Actual Queen reassures anxious nation that she is paid a shed-load more than the Duke of Edinburgh


REALITY more than counterbalances ‘The Crown’ gender pay-gap scandal.

Following the revelation that relative unknown Claire Foy was paid less than ex-Doctor Who, Matt Smith, for their roles in ‘The Crown’, the Queen has reassured that nation that no such nonsense exists in reality.

“No-one gets paid more than the Queen,” said her Majesty.

“And all those millions soon add up as I am notoriously frugal.”

“I never buy gadgets. Still have an iPod Classic – and that was foisted upon me.”

“I don’t have a plasma tv, nutribullet or a Fitbit.”

“No Apple Watch for me. I don’t even like real apples – might pull my teeth out.”

“It makes perfect sense that I receive billions more in investment income than the Duke of Edinburgh.”

“What on earth would he spend it on?”

“Personally, as Queen, I should own vast tracts of open moorland that I can rent out to peasants.”

“The Duke only needs a pocket-full of Werther’s Originals, a new top hat and the odd spare wheel for a carriage.”

“Your money is safe in my hands.”

“Get orfe my land!”


White House photo by Eric Draper [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons



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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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