All trousers to cost minimum of £995 announces Government


THERESA MAY announces detailed Brexit plans to ensure astronomical hitch in trouser prices.

Fed up of being ‘out of touch’ with the British people, the government are today publishing detailed plans on how to ensure the price of basic commodities will soar to eye-watering levels so we can all sink together in the same squalid boat.

“Our detailed plans guarantee hyper-inflation and thus all the public will have to enjoy the thrill of buying £995 trousers,” said a government spokesperson. “This way no-one can criticise us for having a ‘bargain basement’ economy.

For decades, we have been criticised for not having a manufacturing industry – we really couldn’t be arsed to save car factories, boat builders or steel works but now we finally have the glorious opportunity to turn Britain into a slave wage sweatshop churning out poor-quality goods bound for China. How the tables have turned in our favour!

“In actual fact, with hyper-inflation post Brexit the only clothes anyone will be able to afford will be little blue Mao suits made from scratchy cotton and you won’t be able to afford underpants. LOL. We have purchased all the remaining small trouser suits from China as they all now wear Burberry. We plan to set up a brand new British manufacturing industry to make the larger sizes for our obese population – but don’t worry, the new national Paleo diet of scavenged turnips and beetroot will see that right.

“These clothes will be churned out in some dark satanic mills located in some godforsaken location north of Watford – how about Bradford ?

There are plenty more manufacturing activities previously carried out in China that we can become world leaders in once meddling safety laws are repealed. I want to see all primary school children turn out a hundred industrial size fireworks in their classroom everyday before assembly. Costs can be slashed by using candles to light their work once the Russians cut our gas supplies. The future is likely to be rosy.”


Photograph by Andrew Burdett (Transferred from en.wikipedia to Commons.)
[CC BY 3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons





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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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