SALES of razor blades, rope and paracetamol soar during ‘Strictly’.
Gas demand peaks to all time high during ‘Call the Midwife’.
The BBC easily met its neck stretching target for reducing the UK population over the festive period.
“We have set challenging depopulation targets for all public bodies,” a Government spokesperson confirmed.
“Post-Brexit, parents will be eating their own children due to hyper-inflation-induced starvation and so a planned staged reduction in body count is far more humane. As far as the BBC is concerned, our research has identified that the incessant subliminal repetition of banal catchphrases can trigger simultaneous family annihilations. The performers are innocent pawns in our evil plan naively imagining that everyone loves them as much as they love themselves!
“We are also encouraging less radical strategies. It will become compulsory for men to carry testicle irradiating mobile phones in their trousers. Kilts will be banned and every previously fertile male will have to take hot baths and wear undercrackers two sizes to small. Any healthy sperm will be labelled ‘enemies of the state’.
Sally Doolally, from the League of Psychologists, said: “Christmas can be a very stressful time particularly for the ‘sandwich generation’ not only thanklessly catering for ancient relatives, having to politely endure their casual racism and not so innocent character assassinations, but also pandering to consumerist teenagers and their pampered pets like our stupid miniature dachshund.
The only guaranteed way to survive Christmas is to buy all your side dishes from Aunt Bessie’s, have a £20 per person present limit, set strict limits on the length of time your visitors can stay for and jet off to Barbados on the 27th December. Don’t forget that guests are like dead fish. They all stink after three days. Mind you, they also often have lolling mouths, glazed eyes and slimy scaly skin.
“With regards to TV programmes, it can just take one more repeat of an annoying catchphrase on a contrived Christmas special to drive someone completely over the edge. It actually may be the last straw after your estranged husband has driven you yet again to total distraction. Yes, it’s mainly husbands. Bloody regretted husbands.”
“Ok, this time, as it’s the New Year, I will accept a hug!”
“Don’t get used to it!”
Stacey Gubbins said: “I nearly completely lost it this Christmas. The whole thing was a disaster. I bought my daughter, Tiffany, Babyliss hair curlers rather than ghd’s and she wanted me dead.
In the middle of the ‘Strictly Special’ there it was, like a ten inch nail hammered through my head. ‘It’s a ten from Len!‘ I felt something deep down within my soul snap and the last remnants of my will to live drained away as if I had pulled the plug on a dissolved Lush bath bomb. I rushed to the kitchen and stuck my head in the oven.
‘Surprise, surprise, it turned out to be a Neff electric fan model. I survived but did singe the ends of my dip-dye highlights. It wasn’t an entirely negative experience. It gave me a better blow dry than my Dyson Supersonic hair dryer.”
Media correspondent, Dudley Petard, said: “There are only two festive Christmas specials worth watching: ‘8 out of Ten Cats does Countdown’ and ‘Sherlock’. When I build my own fleet of space shuttles to leave the earth before slaughtering the current inhabitants with extracts from poisonous orchids and breeding my master race like Hugo Drax in ‘Moonraker’, it will be Rachel Riley and Benedict Cumberbatch accompanying me and Dr. Goodhead in the lead shuttle.”
A BBC spokesperson said: “We are not quite sure how we will achieve our even more stretching target for Christmas 2017. We have lost some flagship despair inducing franchises. You have no idea how an episode of ‘Bake-off’ can torment someone who is gluten-free.
“We do feel confident in that Mel and Sue are still on contract and who can forget that bizarre quiz with Victoria Coren Mitchell – although focus groups have indicated that ‘a foot through the TV screen’ is the more common response to that one.
“It is going to be virtually impossible to replace a judge as lethally effective as Len Goodman. We hope that Louis Spence will still be available.”
Daisy McNutt said: “My maiden aunt always descends on us for Christmas for a whole two weeks. Time speeds up as you age. She is ninety four and so a gruelling hour to me probably feels like a minute to her. She switched on “Call the Midwife” and then hid the remote in her pants along with some spare sprouts and a stale Yorkshire pudding.
“The episode was set in South Africa for goodness sake. Not a snowman in site!
“‘Ooh – let’s see what Nurse Trixie gets up to in Africa – will she marry the vicar.’ Who gives a flying stuff ?
“The only thing that saved my fragile grip on sanity was that Chummy wasn’t in it. Isn’t ‘chum’ what you use for attracting great white sharks? I can suggest a South African Christmas special I would really like to see!”