IN THE OPINION OF LOCAL FRUITCAKE, Gavin Rowlocks, there is an untapped hole in the market for celebrity pee.
Monday did not start well at the offices of The Daily Squabble. Someone had left a toilet window unlocked and so we were treated to an uninvited visit from the deranged Gavin Rowlocks who shimmied up the drainpipe, slithered through the window, made himself a treacle-like coffee and stole the last mince pie.
Mr Rowlocks treated us to his latest entrepreneurial idea. Most people wouldn’t pay any attention as he brazenly scavenges local bins, smells like a dead weasel and proudly wields a collection of filthy plastic bags filled with unspeakable things. The Daily Squabble always listens without prejudice – just in case he is an eccentric retired billionaire from Silicone Valley.
“Bear Grylls has been minting it recently,” declared Mr Rowlocks. “Arena tours, rib rides, paint balling – his face is everywhere. In my opinion, for an overgrown cub scout, he has been starting to take the pee but this way he can start to give something back. Actually, to be quite honest I don’t personally know Bear Grylls but I am very familiar with his cousin Scampi Fries.
“Did you see that programme when Scary Spice urinated straight onto Bear’s hand to cure a jellyfish sting? It came to me that the urine of celebrities might have magical healing properties. Us civilians should no longer be denied access to it. By the way, Bear’s a perfect gentleman. If that had happened to me I would have kept shouting ‘Tickle, tickle’!
“Between him and his famous friends a whole range of taste sensations could be passed onto a thirsty public. It would be refined, expensive, exclusive and so I think Waitrose would the ideal top-class outlet for this wonder drink. I should be a consultant. I bet they haven’t even thought of it yet,” said Mr Rowlocks disparagingly.
Tiger Nuts, Fitness Consultant, commented: “Some people attribute clearer skin, an increase in energy and general vitality to their regular consumption of urine. It’s low sugar, dairy and gluten free – perfect for a Paleo diet. Have you bought my new book?
“Different celebrities may well bring something fresh to the pee party. I would imagine Bear’s urine to taste minerally, grippy, steely and jammy; Victoria Beckham’s to taste angular, fresh, tart and zesty with an uplifting hint of silicone. Theresa May’s – perish the thought – might have an austere, steely, leathery aroma and a bitter aftertaste. Oh no, I can’t get the thought out of my head !
Will.i.am’s might be flamboyant, big, oily, and chewy. I had a dream that Rachel Riley’s would be elegant, bright, tight, velvety, juicy, buttery and creamy ….
” I’m sorry, where was I ?
Adele’s would be toasty and fleshy with a sustained rich earthy finish. In reality it would probably just taste of crisps, pork pies and cider.”
When pressed on the likelihood of this ever happening Mr Rowlocks said: “All it needs is for Bear to excel in an ‘Apprentice’ like pitch – maybe zip-lining down from the rafters with bottles of pee strapped to his utility belt – and for all the Management Team at Waitrose to simultaneously lose their minds. It may have already happened – in a parallel universe.
“Adios, amigos. Thanks for the coffee !
“Would anyone miss that cake?”
Jamie Gray from England www.jamiegrayphotography.co.uk (Bear Grylls)
[CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons