Britain relying on hurricane Gert to ‘improve the weather’

Looks promising! Light the barbecue.

DESPERATE UK citizens are looking forward to this afternoon’s arrival of Hurricane Gert – to improve the dismal summer weather!

“I am not quite sure how this works,” said Gavin Rowlocks, amateur weather watcher.

“Aren’t hurricanes bad? Is receiving a third of the average month’s rainfall in one day really a good thing?”

“When forecasters say that it will ‘improve the weather’ doesn’t that mean it will be a whole lot more entertaining for them and improve their ratings?”

“Nonsense,” said Professor Hardy Weinberg, from the Council of Science.

“We define ‘improvement’ as ‘predictable’.”

“Hurricane Gert will predictably make it pour down all across the country, blow down trees and flood sodden p*ss-ant swamps like Tewksbury, York and Cumbria.”

“Even better news is that it will drag some hot tropical weather towards us in its wake.”

“The sort of hot tropical weather that is so reluctant to travel to Britain in July and August.”

“However, not everyone will benefit from this. It will create what we weathermen call ‘a Tory Front’.”

“The South-East will bask in unbroken sunshine; the inhabitants will drive around in convertibles on their way to the opera and have wild hot-tub parties enjoying temperatures up to 81F.”

“The North will remain entirely grey, grim and overcast. There will be no hope, widespread depression and most people will develop rickets.”

“Stick that up your Northern-Powerhouse!”


Photograph by:
NOAA / National Climatic Data Center [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons




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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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