Trident self-destructs if targeted against any country whose name contains a ‘U’, a ‘S’ or an ‘A’.

“MAYBE we shouldn’t have built them in California,” admits Prime Minister.

Britain’s Trident missiles, seem to unexpectedly self-destruct when fired in the ‘wrong direction’.

“This seems to have mucked up our defence strategy completely,” said a Ministry of Defence spokesperson. “When we ordered ‘fire and forget’ missiles, we didn’t specify in the contract that they should also forget where they were manufactured.”

“Our ‘Independent’ Nuclear deterrent doesn’t seem to work if fired at the USA and emergency tests have demonstrated they also won’t work against Russia  – that’s because it’s got almost the same letters.”

“Iran? No, it’s got an ‘a’.”

“China ? No chance!”

“Our missiles are virtually useless!”

A Pentagon spokesperson said: “You’re dreaming if you think we would give you Brits a totally independent missile system. You guys can’t even aim them straight.”

The British Ministry of Defence said: “One of the few countries we can actually threaten would seem to be Mexico. I am starting to see the Californian connection again now!”

“Still, if a trade war over chihuahuas escalates, it will be £40 billion well spent!”

In other news, a ‘Daily Squabble’ reporter repeatedly pestered a White House spokesman at one of President Trump’s first ever Press Conferences.

The Daily Squabble demanded to know: “When will the new President finally sign a new, exclusive trade agreement with Britain. It’s almost lunchtime. It’s just not good enough! If not today, will it be immediately next week as soon as Prime Minister May touches down in Washington.”

“Look guys,” said the Spokesman. “It’s day one. We’re quite busy. We are greatly looking forward to Prime Minister May’s visit and, as soon as the US runs short of crumpets and Kendal mint cake, you will be the first to know!”


About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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