“To give certainty and stability, I have completely changed my mind and will impose on you what I repeatedly promised I would never do because I said it would be a major destabilisation factor.”
With the surprise announcement of a ‘Snap General Election’, British Politicians have proven themselves to be beyond the wit and imagination of satirists.
“I f**king well give up!” sighed Mallet-Mike, Editor-in-Chief of ‘The Daily Squabble’.
“What ever ridiculous fake news we come up with, it’s never going to be as mental as current reality.”
Peregrine Snook, Senior Conservative, said, “It’s wonderful news that our shockingly unpredictable weasel-words and completely brazen un-trustworthiness has defeated the cynical purveyors of fake news.”
“We promise that, once we have ruthlessly eliminated all our political opponents, you may finally be able to trust that we will stick to some of our pledges”.
“When we say that we aren’t going to nuke North Korea or privatise the NHS or release some sarin to frame bad Assad and the perennially naughty Russians – you will, in the future, be able to trust us.”
“We guarantee that we won’t sell even more arms to Saudi Arabia for them to bomb children in Yemen …”
“No, wait! We are still going to do that, but we are going to send the Saudis a stern email with our invoice asking them to be a bit more careful.”
Peregrine Snook added: “We will stick to our manifesto promises! We won’t increase taxes unless we feel like doing so and think we can get away with it.”
“Must go, as I need to get a probate application in before the 1st May – because the fees are shooting up.”
“No – that’s a fee increase, rather than a tax increase. Although, admittedly, the financial consequences to the public are identical.”
A Spokesperson for the Labour party said: “Jeremy is looking forward to the General Election in June just like pancakes look forward to Shrove Tuesday, chocolate eggs look forward to Easter and turkeys look forward to Christmas!”
“Vote for Labour’s position on Brexit, which we will let you know once we have eventually decided what it is”.
Photograph by: Jamain (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons