‘British Public would rather be in prison’ survey reveals


FOLLOWING new initiatives ‘to treat prisoners with respect’ a survey reveals all British people would prefer to live permanently in jail.

“Prison looks so amazing,’ declared university student Olly Chuzzlewit. “I particularly like the look of those ceiling nets that you can roll around on like a loon – they look awesome. You could pay £25 to do that as an adventure sport here in Wales. Inmates get to do it for free everyday!”

Stacey Gubbins said: “I love the idea of this new Amazon delivery service straight to your cell. Hand delivered by prison officers. They even wait while you try things on.  It would be like having your own personal shopper or a manservant – just like Batman. When I send reject goods back to Amazon I have to print off the blessed return slips, find some brown parcel tape and trudge down town to the blessed Post Office. In prison, you just lie back and watch ‘Bargain Hunt’ while it’s all taken care of for you.

“The prison officers have to knock on your cell door and wait to be invited. They treat you with respect. I don’t get any respect from my teenage daughter, Tiffany. She just kicks my bedroom door open and runs off with my ghd hair straighteners!”

“I like the idea of meeting so many celebrities,” said Peregrine Snook. “Prisoners are such interesting people. Back in the day you could have a lovely singsong with George Michael in the morning (RIP, miss you George!) and draw cartoons with Rolf Harris after a nutritious lunch. Several of my ex-school friends and fellow disgraced MPs are likely to be there. All good chaps.

“I have to eat porridge anyway due to my sky-high cholesterol and love the odd game of ping pong.”

Gavin Rowlocks commented: “When I climbed onto my roof and threw all the tiles off, the man from Aviva was furious! I had to pretend I had been hit by Storm Barbara. In prison you get to do this regularly with your mates and you just get bussed to a new pad while they do your old one up again. Talk about cosseting!  I would love the jolly camaraderie. Normally people cross the road to avoid talking to me. They couldn’t do that when we’re all incarcerated in the same tiny cell.

The prison officers you see on the news are so sweet. They look more dazed and confused at the madness unfolding around them that I am. I want to give them a big hug and they can slip me some contraband at the same time.”

Olly Chuzzlewit said: “I would love to have a go at that game when they try to hook the hovering drug-carrying drone and drag it through the window bars. It’s like ‘The Crystal Maze’.

Of course, there are always further improvements you could make. I am not sure about the showers and don’t know if there are paleo options on the room service menu – but they probably have already thought about that. I am sure they can think of a few more cossetting initiatives. Can I order pizzas from Domino’s and will they still be hot enough when they arrive?  That’s my main concern. When every cell is ensuite you can sign me up at least until my student loan is written off.”


Photograph by:
Catlemur (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)],
via Wikimedia Commons











About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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