POSITIVE publicity campaign for Volvo falling at the first hurdle: no-one can think of a British celebrity who is not a total dickhead.
Gavin Rowlocks, Much Craplock’s local fruitcake, has alleged that not all British Volvo drivers can be complete idiots.
“I think it’s time for Volvo to get on the front foot and produce some positive propaganda,” Mr Rowlocks said. “They need to combat the daily drip-feed of negative publicity from poorly-driven Volvos rolling back during hill-starts, driving the wrong way around roundabouts and randomly careering from side-to-side wiping out bollards, streetlights and pedestrians.”
“In this country, we have two main stereotypes for dangerous drivers: BMW drivers who are reputed to be arrogant arseholes and Volvo drivers who are far less calculating in their incompetence, but possibly even more dangerous.”
“It’s true that, because Volvo drivers are basically driving hideously-expensive, frumpy tanks, it can mean that they pay far less attention to the hazards of the road and merrily collide into stationary objects with impunity.”
“However, surely Volvo drivers can’t all be bad. There must be a British celebrity who can advertise this prestige brand and make it cool. Other countries can do it!”
“Paul Newman and Kurt Cobain drove Volvos!”
Dudley Petard, Media Consultant, said: “Due to diligent muck-raking by the British tabloid press, it is hard to think of any modern British celebrity who isn’t a proven nobhead.”
“Volvo’s only hope, is to sponsor an emerging talent before we know everything about them. How about ‘Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’? He is cool and credible – at the moment.”
“I would hurry up if were them,” said Gavin Rowlocks. “It is emerging that ‘Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’s’ real name is Rory and he is obsessed with ‘EastEnders’. Get on with the adverts while we still have ‘Human‘ reverberating around our brains.”
“Rory Rag ‘n’ Bone can’t be the only cool potential Volvo-driver in the country.”
“How about Jeremy Clarkson – he used to have one – or that self-effacing Zlatan Ibrahimovic . . .?”