Canada: ‘We will take all Refugees, rejected by the U.S!’ Refugees: ‘Gee thanks, we’ll get back to you!’


REFUGEES not ‘warming’ to Canada’s generous offer.

Canadian Officials have reached out to unwanted refugees, stranded by a racist U.S. ban on Syrian immigration.

A Canadian Government Spokesman said: “Canadians are almost all immigrants. No one should be excluded on the basis of their faith, ethnicity or nationality.”

“We will take in all refugees. We have thousands of spare miles of population-starved, wide-open spaces to fit you all in. We have fabulous locations, crying out for hardy immigrants, from our idyllic muskeg swamps and the wild majestic beauty of deep-frozen tundra to the never-ending thrill of camping on enormous polar-bear-infested sheets of seasonal ice.”

Eunice Elk, from the ‘Visit Canada’ Tourist Board, said: “Less than 1% of our population live in over 600,000 square miles of territory but, honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it. No, I am not crossing my fingers! There is plenty of room for everyone to live ‘The Canadian Dream’ – which is basically strip our natural assets, then sell up and go to live in Hawaii.”

“The hinterland of Canada is virtually uninhabited apart from the odd rutting moose, an occasional deranged skunk and foaming-at-the mouth rabid beavers. We would show you around but the entire country is entombed, as usual, under six foot of snow. It’s a shame, because you haven’t lived until you have experienced temperatures of minus 50 Celsius and 2 hours of hazy daylight – if you’re lucky.”

“Please do visit during our brief ‘summer’ – except then, swarms of mosquitoes will suck you dry in seconds.”

An unenthusiastic Syrian Refugee said: “This generous offer is all very well but have you seen Canada? It looks bloody freezing. You have to hack your car out from a snow drift for six months of the year, wear passion-killer thermal underwear, a frumpy gilet and permanently sport a naff trapper hat.”

“Personally, I am also scared of bears! I probably can only afford to live in a tent. When camping, you must hang all your food up a tree and change into fresh clothes after eating – or the grizzlies will rip through the tent canvas with razor-sharp claws and devour you.”

“I am waiting to hear back from Barbados.”

“I think even Mexico would be a better bet. I am not fazed by deserts.”

“They’re going to build a lovely big wall to keep the bears out.”
Photograph from Pixabay. Public Domain under

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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