Character Biography

Here are the ever-evolving biographies of the fictional characters populating the picturesque village of Much Craplock as regularly featured in ‘The Daily Squabble’.


Aaron Aardvark, Gardening Guru

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Anna Phylaxis, Nutrition Consultant.

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Bernard Weasel, Environmental Office for Anyold Council.

Hobbies: Not collecting household refuse. Accumulating final salary pension.

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Barry Brith, Resident of Anglesey

Hobbies: Voting by post. Deterring grockles. Looking after his pet Mogwai, Trump.

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Cheryl Croak, Senior A&E Consultant at Sourface General Hospital.

Hobbies: Overwork. Performing the mannequin challenge.

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Conor O’Toole, CEO of Trump-Jet

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Daisy McNutt, Mother and Wife.

Hobbies: Watching Gary Barlow. Singing ‘Take That’ songs. Lambrini.

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Edmund Bilstein, Gadget Twat.

Mission: To inform Daily Squabble readers how to properly use unnecessary gadgets

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Eton Mess, Foreign Office Spokesperson.

Mission: to persuade Spain to take on the Isle of White in lieu of Gibraltar

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Father Dermot O’Beery, Catholic Priest (or Irish Monopoly Champion)

Catchphrases: “Come down the social”. “We’re having a raffle”.

Dudley Petard, Film, Music and TV critic / Media Consultant.

Hobbies: Imagining himself to be a James Bond villain

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Born in Skegness, Lincolnshire

Ella Salmon, Environmental Health Officer.

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PC Fanny Fuzz, Much Craplock’s police officer.

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Gavin Rowlocks, Local Fruitcake and self-confessed Sociopath.

Hobbies: Reversing into parking spaces, being on time for meetings – basically anything that annoys the Editor in real life so that he can write a rant about it. Showing his hernia to lady doctors. Driving a hybrid car.

Catchphrases: “Maybe it’s occurred – in a parallel universe.”

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Germaine Shepherd, GP Practice Manager

Hobbies: Snapping at patients and reporters

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Holly Hornswoggle, Glamorous young Housewife.

Hobbies: Cutting open ‘Sophie the Giraffes’.  Pandering to Mr Tiddles, her evil cat.

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Professor Hardy Weinberg, from the Council of Science.

Hobbies: Physics

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Iris Cadwaladr, New-Age Faith Healer.

Catchphrase: “Amethyst crystals shoved up each orifice”

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Les Hope, Labour MP for Much Craplock

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Madison Hatter,  Mother of two.

Hobbies: Joining any kind of queue – particularly on Bank Holidays

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‘Mallet’ Mike: The Daily Squabble’s Editor-in-Chief.

Mission Statement: The elimination of Hygge. The avoidance of diplomacy. To hit the public right between the eyes with articles so blisteringly intense that the world is jolted from its smug complacency.

Hobbies: Cancelling direct debits. Tidying underwear drawer in accordance with Kon Mari principles.

Catchphrases: “I am the anti-hygge.”

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Mandy Toxic-Fig, Fearless campaigner for Women’s Rights.

Hobbies: Prospective Labour candidate for Grimtown, a Northern Post-apocalyptic industrial wasteland

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Reverend Neil Down, CofE Vicar.

Hobbies: Chatting up the congregation, particularly his intended fiance (Nicolette). Flying a camera drone over Stacey Gubbin’s garden.

Catchphrases: “Far too continental”. “We didn’t cover that at the seminary”.

Olly Chuzzlewit, University Student.

Hobbies: Adventure sports, hygge. Shouting at scammers down the phone.

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Peregrine Snook, Disgraced Ex-Member of Parliament.

Hobbies: Brexit. Loving his cousin. Trying to connect to old school friends on LinkedIn.

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Pippa Trumpette, Posh Mother.

Hobbies: Clashing with her sister, Laura Kuenssberg. Spoiling her daughter (Amelia),

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Quentin Tightwad, Consumer Champion.

Hobbies: Switching electricity provider.

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Randy Squirrel, New York Garbage Collector or from US Diplomatic Service

Hobbies: Attending Donald Trump rallies. Shooting stuff.

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Dr Sally Doolally, from the League of Psychologists.

Hobbies: Looking after miniature dachshund (Daphne). Hating her estranged husband.

Catchphrase: “Succumb to my cougarish charms”. “No, I don’t need a hug!”.

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Silage Marner, Farmer.

Hobbies: Trying to stop the Environmental Health Department closing down his burger business.

Catchphrase: “If you think it’s that easy, grow you own!”

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Stacey Gubbins, Pole Dancer and Gentlemen’s companion.

Hobbies: Yankee candles. ghd hair straighteners. Avoiding conflict with teenage daughter (Tiffany).

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Dr Steven Widdle, Director of Statistics.

Catchphrase: “Statisticians are hot”.

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Tiger Nuts Fartlek, Fitness Consultant.

Hobbies: Burpees

Catchphrase: “Have you bought my new book?”

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Tiffany Gubbins, (Daughter of Stacey), Graduate Accountant and Millennial

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Animal Stars:

Alarming Marmoset, Random Small Monkey.

Not deployed on active duty yet

Reginald Rodent, Member of Lemming Parliament.

Hobbies: Throwing himself off a cliff in accordance with three-line whip

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Terry Legge-Burke, False Widow Spider who lives in Gavin Rowlocks’ shed.

Catchphrase: “That’s not the way to do it.”

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Mr Tiddles, Holly Hornswoggle’s evil cat.

Hobbies: Planning for world domination.

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Special Guest Stars:

Barry Tucker, Football Fan

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Betty Croissant, French Customs Officer

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Carlos Badgeros, Mexican Tunnelling specialist.

Catchphrase: “Can they put some flashing lights on top of it (Donald Trump’s Wall) ?”

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Cefin Ap Guto, Passive-Aggressive owner of caravan park

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Daphne Crow, a Brighton Trader

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Enrique Doubleglasias, US citizen (of Mexican descent) or Catalonian Separatist or Cuban Official

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Eunice Elk, from the ‘Visit Canada’ Tourist Board.

Catchphrases: Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it”. “No, I am not crossing my fingers”.

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Captain ‘Herbert’: Commander of HMS Bitch-Slap, a trident nuclear submarine.

Hobbies: Whistle-blowing State Secrets. Propping up the bar at The Freckled Weasel.

Catchphrase: “We don’t have the foggiest which way it will head”

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Isaac Legge-Burke, Agent for Britain’s False Widow Spiders

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Martha Fatberg, Tennessee Sewer Worker.

Hobbies; Supporting President Trump. Dressing like a woman. Looking after her husband, Dwayne.

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Spiro Dolmades, Greek Museum Official

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Stacey and Elgan Marbles, Smugglers of Greek Antiquities

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Still to be deployed:

Anita Bush: Beautician. Author of “The main benefit of Brazilian waxing.”

Jamie Dodger, Estate Agent. 


Situations Vacant: Naming suggestions welcome – no royalties paid (we’re not made of money), see ‘About’ page for submission conditions

1) The Landlord of the local hostelry: The Freckled Weasel.

2)  Doctor

3) Dentist

4) Teacher

5) Firefighter

The views of the villagers gleaned from tiny ‘surveys’ are usually unfairly extrapolated to be those of the entire Great British Public.

(A method signed off Dr Stephen Widdle (Director of Statistics) – once we had paid him).

Some characters often pay a short visit to their neighbouring village of Much Wenchlick depending on the need for additional double entendres.