Character Biography

Here are the ever-evolving biographies of the fictional characters populating the picturesque village of Much Craplock as regularly featured in ‘The Daily Squabble’.

Cast:

Aaron Aardvark, Gardening Guru

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1uA

Anna Phylaxis, Nutrition Consultant.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-vq

Bernard Weasel, Environmental Office for Anyold Council.

Hobbies: Not collecting household refuse. Accumulating final salary pension.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-16

Barry Brith, Resident of Anglesey

Hobbies: Voting by post. Deterring grockles. Looking after his pet Mogwai, Trump.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1kJ

Cheryl Croak, Senior A&E Consultant at Sourface General Hospital.

Hobbies: Overwork. Performing the mannequin challenge.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-3J

Conor O’Toole, CEO of Trump-Jet

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1rX

Daisy McNutt, Mother and Wife.

Hobbies: Watching Gary Barlow. Singing ‘Take That’ songs. Lambrini.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-53

Edmund Bilstein, Gadget Twat.

Mission: To inform Daily Squabble readers how to properly use unnecessary gadgets

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1jZ

Eton Mess, Foreign Office Spokesperson.

Mission: to persuade Spain to take on the Isle of White in lieu of Gibraltar

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1jF

Father Dermot O’Beery, Catholic Priest (or Irish Monopoly Champion)

Catchphrases: “Come down the social”. “We’re having a raffle”.

Dudley Petard, Film, Music and TV critic / Media Consultant.

Hobbies: Imagining himself to be a James Bond villain

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-aF

Born in Skegness, Lincolnshire

Ella Salmon, Environmental Health Officer.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-xs

PC Fanny Fuzz, Much Craplock’s police officer.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-dF

Gavin Rowlocks, Local Fruitcake and self-confessed Sociopath.

Hobbies: Reversing into parking spaces, being on time for meetings – basically anything that annoys the Editor in real life so that he can write a rant about it. Showing his hernia to lady doctors. Driving a hybrid car.

Catchphrases: “Maybe it’s occurred – in a parallel universe.”

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-qj

Germaine Shepherd, GP Practice Manager

Hobbies: Snapping at patients and reporters

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1ku

Holly Hornswoggle, Glamorous young Housewife.

Hobbies: Cutting open ‘Sophie the Giraffes’.  Pandering to Mr Tiddles, her evil cat.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-nw

Professor Hardy Weinberg, from the Council of Science.

Hobbies: Physics

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-Uo

Iris Cadwaladr, New-Age Faith Healer.

Catchphrase: “Amethyst crystals shoved up each orifice”

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1e3

Les Hope, Labour MP for Much Craplock

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1se

Madison Hatter,  Mother of two.

Hobbies: Joining any kind of queue – particularly on Bank Holidays

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1kJ

‘Mallet’ Mike: The Daily Squabble’s Editor-in-Chief.

Mission Statement: The elimination of Hygge. The avoidance of diplomacy. To hit the public right between the eyes with articles so blisteringly intense that the world is jolted from its smug complacency.

Hobbies: Cancelling direct debits. Tidying underwear drawer in accordance with Kon Mari principles.

Catchphrases: “I am the anti-hygge.”

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-i8

Mandy Toxic-Fig, Fearless campaigner for Women’s Rights.

Hobbies: Prospective Labour candidate for Grimtown, a Northern Post-apocalyptic industrial wasteland

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-MJ

Reverend Neil Down, CofE Vicar.

Hobbies: Chatting up the congregation, particularly his intended fiance (Nicolette). Flying a camera drone over Stacey Gubbin’s garden.

Catchphrases: “Far too continental”. “We didn’t cover that at the seminary”.

Olly Chuzzlewit, University Student.

Hobbies: Adventure sports, hygge. Shouting at scammers down the phone.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-18f

Peregrine Snook, Disgraced Ex-Member of Parliament.

Hobbies: Brexit. Loving his cousin. Trying to connect to old school friends on LinkedIn.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-96

Pippa Trumpette, Posh Mother.

Hobbies: Clashing with her sister, Laura Kuenssberg. Spoiling her daughter (Amelia),

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-Ss

Quentin Tightwad, Consumer Champion.

Hobbies: Switching electricity provider.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-53

Randy Squirrel, New York Garbage Collector or from US Diplomatic Service

Hobbies: Attending Donald Trump rallies. Shooting stuff.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1E

Dr Sally Doolally, from the League of Psychologists.

Hobbies: Looking after miniature dachshund (Daphne). Hating her estranged husband.

Catchphrase: “Succumb to my cougarish charms”. “No, I don’t need a hug!”.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-dF

Silage Marner, Farmer.

Hobbies: Trying to stop the Environmental Health Department closing down his burger business.

Catchphrase: “If you think it’s that easy, grow you own!”

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-xs

Stacey Gubbins, Pole Dancer and Gentlemen’s companion.

Hobbies: Yankee candles. ghd hair straighteners. Avoiding conflict with teenage daughter (Tiffany).

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-4n

Dr Steven Widdle, Director of Statistics.

Catchphrase: “Statisticians are hot”.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-11j

Tiger Nuts Fartlek, Fitness Consultant.

Hobbies: Burpees

Catchphrase: “Have you bought my new book?”

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-6p

Tiffany Gubbins, (Daughter of Stacey), Graduate Accountant and Millennial

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1to

Animal Stars:

Alarming Marmoset, Random Small Monkey.

Not deployed on active duty yet

Reginald Rodent, Member of Lemming Parliament.

Hobbies: Throwing himself off a cliff in accordance with three-line whip

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-Xd

Terry Legge-Burke, False Widow Spider who lives in Gavin Rowlocks’ shed.

Catchphrase: “That’s not the way to do it.”

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-16m

Mr Tiddles, Holly Hornswoggle’s evil cat.

Hobbies: Planning for world domination.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-vq

Special Guest Stars:

Barry Tucker, Football Fan

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1pb

Betty Croissant, French Customs Officer

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1mf

Carlos Badgeros, Mexican Tunnelling specialist.

Catchphrase: “Can they put some flashing lights on top of it (Donald Trump’s Wall) ?”

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-LF

Cefin Ap Guto, Passive-Aggressive owner of caravan park

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1n8

Daphne Crow, a Brighton Trader

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1qS

Enrique Doubleglasias, US citizen (of Mexican descent) or Catalonian Separatist or Cuban Official

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-LF

Eunice Elk, from the ‘Visit Canada’ Tourist Board.

Catchphrases: Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it”. “No, I am not crossing my fingers”.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-WZ

Captain ‘Herbert’: Commander of HMS Bitch-Slap, a trident nuclear submarine.

Hobbies: Whistle-blowing State Secrets. Propping up the bar at The Freckled Weasel.

Catchphrase: “We don’t have the foggiest which way it will head”

Featured in:  https://wp.me/p8ieEb-zX

Isaac Legge-Burke, Agent for Britain’s False Widow Spiders

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1uh

Martha Fatberg, Tennessee Sewer Worker.

Hobbies; Supporting President Trump. Dressing like a woman. Looking after her husband, Dwayne.

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-14i

Spiro Dolmades, Greek Museum Official

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1pW

Stacey and Elgan Marbles, Smugglers of Greek Antiquities

Featured in: https://wp.me/p8ieEb-1pW

Still to be deployed:

Anita Bush: Beautician. Author of “The main benefit of Brazilian waxing.”

Jamie Dodger, Estate Agent. 

 

Situations Vacant: Naming suggestions welcome – no royalties paid (we’re not made of money), see ‘About’ page for submission conditions

1) The Landlord of the local hostelry: The Freckled Weasel.

2)  Doctor

3) Dentist

4) Teacher

5) Firefighter

The views of the villagers gleaned from tiny ‘surveys’ are usually unfairly extrapolated to be those of the entire Great British Public.

(A method signed off Dr Stephen Widdle (Director of Statistics) – once we had paid him).

Some characters often pay a short visit to their neighbouring village of Much Wenchlick depending on the need for additional double entendres.

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