SPIRALIZERS across the country lie idle. Cats admit responsibility for courgette famine, in threatening letter reeking of tuna and catnip.
Never mind the US inauguration ceremony, the courgette crisis has engulfed the British nation. The government has conveniently blamed bad weather, in both Spain and Italy, for the shortage of this delectable vegetable. However, ‘The Daily Squabble’ has unearthed a far more sinister cause.
We interviewed Mr Tiddles, Holly Hornswoggle’s cat, last featured chasing a miniature giraffe out through her cat flap. https://wp.me/p8ieEb-nw
“You humans think you are so clever,” purred Mr Tiddles. “Sneaking up behind innocent felines, while their heads are down in the food bowl, and placing cucumbers behind them. All just to make a series of amusing viral videos about how we turn around and jump out of our skins, when we suddenly spot an unexpected vegetable.”
“Well it’s not funny. How would you like to turn around after eating your dinner and find a cucumber in your face? You would jump! We think that a snake or Tom Jones has suddenly slithered up behind us!”
“To stop this craze from spreading, we have decided to eliminate all cucumber-shaped vegetables from the world. My continental cousins have started on the cucumbers and British cats have been drafted into the port of Calais to eliminate the import of courgettes. I am the local rep, in Much Craplock, supporting feline world domination and this is our first coordinated action.”
“Our cat comrades identify lonely truckers hauling vegetables and befriend them. Truckers are desperate for company. We purr and squirm on their laps and wait for the truck to start moving. As the HGV heads towards the dock, the cat assassin dives under the brake pedal. How could a soft-hearted trucker squash his new best friend? Result: courgettes in the harbour.”
“We don’t mind the sacrifice. Cats have nine lives. Truckers – not so much.”
“I have a deep, personal, intense hatred of courgettes. I climbed up on the dining table once to taste my owner’s ‘ratatouille’ and there wasn’t so much as a tail of a rat in it. It was all char-grilled vegetables – I’m a carnivore for goodness sake.”
Anna Phylaxis, Nutrition Consultant, said: “This is fascinating, we didn’t think it was the actual cucumbers / courgettes that cats were terrified of – just their unusual, unexpected context!”
“Personally, I blame Lakeland for the courgette shortage due to their wanton oversupply of spiralizers. It’s great for me, as everyone will have to go back to eating pasta, becoming clinically obese and potential purchasers of my next diet book. With supplies of veggies cut off from the continent, we will have to become self-sufficient.”
We visited local farmer, Silage Marner, and asked him where all his courgettes were.
“It’s the middle of winter!” he said. “I can give you two beetroot and a parsnip. That’s your lot until June! If you think it’s that easy – grow your own.”
Anna Phylaxis said, “With Brexit, we aren’t going to be getting any Mediterranean vegetables – so get used to it. Tomatoes, spinach, peppers, they will all be like gold dust. You will have to sell your granny to buy a single aubergine.”
“I really can’t believe all the supermarkets have run out. It’s just not gourd enough.”