DAILY SQUABBLE writers, who are neither ‘professionals nor chefs’, share their favourite fool-proof recipes.
These delicious concoctions don’t require any technique, dexterity or expertise, none of which we lay claim to.
Life is complicated, ‘Daily Squabble’ writers are simple.
Ingredients: Olives + bowl + little fork + something to spit stones in
Instructions: Go to Waitrose. Buy least intimidating olives. Pour into decorative bowl. Transfer into mouth one at a time with miniature fork + wrestle grim, chewed stones from mouth. Flick stones off fingers into bowl. Eat 5 olives and throw the rest away.
Chicken and chips
Ingredients: Chicken + chips
Instructions: Go to Nando’s. Wonder how the hell they make the tables so sticky. Agonize about how mild a peri-peri you can get away depending on your companions. Order ‘Chargrilled Vegetables’ as a side before remembering that onions give you bad flatulence.
Alternatively: go to KFC. Take one bite before swearing and throwing the rest away. Vow not to return for at least another 10 years.
Cereal (now acceptable to be eaten 24 hours a day).
Ingredients: Cereal + milk
Instructions: Extract ancient box of cereal from back of cupboard. Chew on piece to determine how stale it is. Remove plastic liner and shake out collected cereal from inside cardboard box into chipped bowl. Extract milk from back of fridge. Sniff milk to determine how dangerous consuming it might be. Throw it away. Use long-life soya milk instead. Get bored with eating soggy cardboard-like cereal with precisely zero nutritional content. Throw remnants into sink. Unclog plug-hole.
Ingredients: Eggs + egg boiler
Instructions: Buy expensive egg boiler from fancy retailer such as John Lewis. Add eggs and water according to instructions. Boil. Break through top of eggs with spoon to discover they still aren’t cooked because the eggs were either: the wrong size, the wrong temperature to start with, laid by the wrong chicken. Throw ‘boiled eggs’ away. Eat cereal instead. Box up egg-boiler and attempt to take it back to shop.
Resolve never to buy any dumb-ass kitchen gadgets ever again – once you have tried an automatic rice-boiler and yoghurt, ice-cream and bread makers.