Donald Trump on UK crime epidemic. ‘No-one uses knives in USA!’

PRESIDENT hasn’t used cutlery since 1972.

Donald Trump is taking dining etiquette lessons to help him select the correct cutlery during a planned state dinner at Buckingham Palace.

Everyone is wary of the security risks involved.

White House Spokesperson, Randy Squirrel, said: “Despite England’s unbelievably tough rules on cutlery, Brits routinely stab each other with it rather than gunning down their enemies like civilised nations.”

‘A once very prestigious hospital in London, right in the middle, is like a war zone due to cutlery attacks.”

“Sure, we might have 11,000 gun killings a year and a murder rate ten times that of the UK but our hospitals aren’t that busy.”

“It’s obviously knives not guns that are to blame.”

“If you eat with your hands all the time, you can only give someone a slap because your gun  slides out of your hand due to all the grease.”

A British Foreign Office spokesman said: “I think most of the 11,000 gun victims simply bypassed the hospital.”


U.S. Air Force photo/ Airman 1st Class Ronifel Yasay


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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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