Donald Trump sets American calendars back to 1836. ‘That’s when we were great!’

EVERYONE to wear Davy Crockett caps. President starts war with Native American tribes – ‘just like the good old days!’

President Trump has decided – in his campaign to ‘Make America great again’ – that America was last great back in 1836 and so all federal calendars must permanently display this date.

A White House spokesperson said: “This explains why the President has modelled his hairstyle on Davy Crockett’s hat. From now on, he wants everyone to sport a skinned raccoon on top of his or her head.”

“To kick-start this new retro-campaign, President Trump yesterday declared war on Sioux Native Americans by signing up to build a massive, stinking oil pipeline right through their sacred land. We are saddling up the horses, assembling the stagecoaches and loading the wagons with barrels of salted bacon.”

“We could have used helicopters to lift the pipes in, but they will be hauled on traditional wooden wagons that we can arrange in a circle when under attack. Every one of these new wagons will be built from American wood by American people.”

“If wagon makers think they can sack all their US employees, set up a factory in another country and then expect their wagons to come rolling back over our border – they are going to find themselves highly taxed.”

“To support this new campaign, we expect to employ thousands of Americans working in traditional manufacturing industries – making Colt Peacemakers, bowie knives and Winchester rifles.”

“After this, we want to kick-start a new Gold Rush by planting a few nuggets in a state that hasn’t got much going for it. How about Mississippi – no-one can even spell it?”

“The President also likes those retro ‘Casey-Jones’ type locomotives. He’s ordered a thousand of them to be built in Detroit. He is particularly taken with the cow-catcher on the front of the ‘Cannonball Express’ – as he thinks it will be useful if he ever has to shunt Hillary Clinton out of his way again.”

“Of course, there were a few drawbacks to living back in 1836, notably smallpox, gonorrhoea, train robberies, drunkenness and general lawlessness. We anticipate a boom in the number of saloons and brothels that will open. With his vast experience of running casinos, our Commander-in-Chief is well versed on how to manage bar brawls and shoot-outs over poker disagreements.”

“We have ordered a million bison from Texas cattle breeders. We are going to repopulate the plains with them and then shoot them all. We are going to reach out to the Democrats, by offering the job of Environment Secretary to ‘Buffalo Bill’ Clinton.  McDonald’s could then sell ‘all bison patties’, as long as it promises to install those cool, wooden, saloon-doors.”

A Mexican Ambassador lamented: “We fondly remember the Alamo!”


About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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