DIRECT correlation between choosing to reverse and wanting to carry out unspeakable acts.
‘The Daily Squabble’ research team galvanised themselves to carry out another survey of the Great British Public. Not a bad effort for a Monday morning!
The results were shocking.
We asked three local residents, if they were given the chance to drive into a perfectly good parking space would they:
a) Drive forwards into the space, like any normal person
b) Drive past, stop and then attempt to reverse backwards into the narrow parking space, with two parked cars on either side, even if this caused complete traffic chaos.
Only one conclusion could be gleaned from the shocking results.
The only person who said he would carry out the ridiculous reversing manoeuvre was Gavin Rowlocks, local fruitcake, who openly self-identifies himself as a ‘dangerous pervert’.
We asked Dr Stephen Widdle, Director of Statistics whether these scanty results could be extrapolated to the entire British public.
“You can do anything you want,” he advised, “if you bung me my £50 consultancy fee. The residents of Much Craplock have a unique inbreeding coefficient which makes them a microcosm of British society. Asking one of your weirdos is statistically equivalent to 64 million ordinary citizens and so, for this survey, you have been incredibly diligent.”
Dr Sally Doolally, from the League of Psychologists, said: “Yes, choosing to reverse into a parking space is certainly deviant. I think it is Freudian in origin. Basically, a pervert will randomly stop their vehicle in a car park, having driven past a parking space. Then, they slowly start to reverse – making the snake of cars behind them all desperately shunt backwards, fearful of a collision chain reaction.”
“The pervert’s reversing boot with its slight tailgate gap framed by red brake lights is saying to the car behind them – how would you like this throbbing Fiesta right in your face? If you don’t move quickly, you’re going to get it.”
“There can’t be another reason for randomly choosing to go into reverse. If a Doctor was operating on your appendix – you wouldn’t expect him to turn around at the crucial time and carry on with his arms behind him. If you walk home from the station, you don’t walk past your front door and then walk backwards up your front steps and through the door, fumbling behind you for your keys.”
Conrad Rawlplugz, local builder, said: “When I worked on industrial building sites we were forced to ‘reverse park’ every morning.”
“This cruel torment was meant to be some kind of stupid Health and Safety policy.”
“I think it helped to target who should receive a ‘random’ drug / breath test. The hung-over people reversing into the portacabins warranted further investigation.”
Dr Sally Doolally said, “This reversing behaviour makes no logical sense. If you drive to a car park, presumably you travelled there to do something, to go in a shop or to visit a restaurant or cinema. Surely you want to park as fast as possible so you can start to enjoy whatever you came for.”
“What kind of pervert would get to their target destination and then make the journey even longer by performing an unnecessary manoeuvre? It’s masochistic.”
Gavin Rowlocks said: “I may be banged to rights on this one. I don’t actually want to visit anywhere other than the car park – unless there are some public toilets that need holes drilled between the cubicles.”
“I just want to cause traffic chaos with my reversing antics and end up pointing in the right direction so I can nip out to the next car park and repeat the procedure.”
“The only place I forward park is our neighbouring village of Much Wenchlick. It’s full of yobs. They steal the reverse parked cars first.”
“I think I am perfectly entitled to enjoy my hobby of reverse parking. I pay my road tax.”
“Keeps me off the streets!”
Photograph by User:Neozoon (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons