ED SHEERAN has stunned the British Public by turning up barely a year after he said he was going to take a break.
“I thought he was taking a real break,” said local Stacey Gubbins, who was loitering outside our office. “I mean a year is hardly a break in showbiz terms. You don’t hear from the winner of the X Factor until the end of the next series. I thought it took everyone a minimum of a year to make the next album.
“I imagined him sunning himself on a desert island for at least another year listening to Marvin Gaye. I guess the sun really didn’t suit the few bits of bare skin that he has.
“While he was away, we managed to winkle both Adele and Emeli Sandé out of hiding so we kind of got 2 for 1. Probably won’t hear from either of them for years now.
“It’s not as if Ed even employs many musicians on his arena tours. It’s just him hogging the limelight with a microphone, set of pedals and a couple of ukuleles.
“I suppose I will get used to the idea. As he’s released a couple of singles he stands a great chance of knocking Clean Bandit finally off the top of the chart. I took up pole dancing after watching their video – first time out, slid right onto my head. I am going back to lap dancing to fund my way through Brexit – much more respectable.”
Photograph by Eva Rinaldi [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia