Equality! British women confirmed to be just as dull as British men.

yawning-1895561_1280-2MAJOR survey has confirmed that, thanks to the Premier League and Brexit, British women are just as tedious as their male counterparts.

Dr Sally Doolally, from the League of Psychologists, explained: “This is brilliant. Go, Sisters! Did you see Liverpool in the League Cup last night? Shocking!”

“I am only joshing. I still hate sport, which should be the natural default setting for all women. I am still interesting. Look into my eyes and succumb to my cougarish charms.”

“I have been steadily charting the rise in female tediousness over the last 3 decades. Psychologists measure how boring people are on the ‘Barker Scale’. If you score a one, it means you are the vivacious life and soul of the party. Anyone meeting you, of either sex, will instantly rush out to buy you a diamond ring and plead for you to elope with them to Gretna Green.”

“If you score a ten, it means you have no conversation or can only grunt out leaden, monosyllabic sentences about the weather, Nigel Farage, Jose Mourinho or how you want to catch-up on ‘A Question of Sport’ via the iPlayer.”

“More and more women are scoring the perfect 10. The key to this has been the successful infiltration of professional sport commentating by women. The watershed moment came twenty years ago, when Sue Barker became host of ‘A Question of Sport’ – an eye-wateringly wearisome programme.”

Gavin Rowlocks added: “They try to enliven ‘A Question of Sport’ with the camp, pantomime, goofing-about of the team captains but, at the end of the day, it’s just identifying replaceable, dreary sports stars, who have their faces partially obscured with floppy hats.”

“Why not make another drab hobby into a similar quiz. How about bird-watching? You could evolve ‘Winter Watch’ into a sports quiz format. Contestants could attempt to name a species of small garden bird that has had a moustache stuck on it by the BBC make-up department. I would call it ‘A Question of Tits’. That would get the punters to tune in – at least once.”

Peregrine Snook said: “Back in my day, women were by far the more interesting sex. Us chaps would return home from our 9 to 5, hide behind a broadsheet newspaper and barely offer the odd weary grunt in response to our spouse’s gay, vivacious and increasingly desperate attempts at chat.”

“Wives were so bored that they either had it away with any stray delivery man or forcibly dragged their husbands’ boring carcasses out for a date. They knew their rights! They insisted on their ponderous spouses booking them regular foreign holidays. Every evening, women demanded to be entertained by their work-exhausted partners.”

“As soon as they came home, men had to instantly morph into some kind of professional jester or naked butler in order to ward off the constant threat of bitter divorce. This stressful but stimulating situation kept both sexes focused on their marriage but shortened men’s lifespans considerably.”

Dr Sally Doolally said: “These days, both sexes have been sold the false Shangri-La of dual incomes and all have become wage slaves, grinding out the monthly mortgage payments in soul-destroying jobs that usually could be carried out more efficiently by retarded monkeys. Everyone is exhausted. No-one has the energy to fight for fun, for entertainment and certainly not for making lurve.”

“I don’t know what’s come over me today with all these spicy comments.”

“No,  I still don’t want a hug.”

Daisy McNutt said: “It’s Friday afternoon and a colleague at work just asked whether I was ‘doing anything interesting this weekend’. I was stunned by the question, because when I thought about it – I never do anything interesting! I just want to sleep.”

“I found myself sheepishly mumbling something about wanting to make a pivot table on Microsoft Excel, watching ‘Match of the Day 2’ and maybe doing a little DIY.”

“I wanted to cry but my permanent eye make-up combined with the foul smog from my city commute had clogged all my ducts.”

“I think I used up all my tears walking along the train tracks during the Southern rail strikes.”

Mandy Toxic-Fig interjected: “I think it’s wonderful that we (women) have finally achieved equality on this important social metric.”

“Of course, we would really like fairness in promotion opportunities and the end to pay inequality, but we’ll celebrate any small victories that we can.”

“May I please borrow your Black and Decker workmate for a while? I’m on holiday next week and looking forward to fixing my shed.”

“Go, Chelsea!”

Photograph from Pixabay. Public Domain under https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/deed.en

About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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