RELIABLE source of mild jeopardy on quiet news days.
Britain’s False Widow Spiders have signed an exclusive contract with the Daily Mail in return for all the bugs they can eat and a media campaign to designate them as a protected species.
The spiders’ agent, Isaac Legge-Burke, said: “Quite often, there simply isn’t enough real news to go around.”
“A gory photograph of a False Widow Spider bite is a good way of filling up the Daily Mail’s website should they run out of pictures of Davina McCall’s peachy posterior.”
“I also represent some other dangerous wildlife.”
“Have you seen the Daily Mail’s videos of that pond in Indonesia that shamans unwisely keep swimming across?”
“The saltwater crocodiles that inhabit it are my clients!”
“Part of my role is managing the expectations of the fauna. The spiders have recently been getting too ambitious.”
“They suggested that if Daily Mail readers like seeing pictures of their bites and also ladies’ bottoms, why doesn’t the paper kill two birds with one stone by letting them bite Davina McCalls’ arse?”
“I explained that they would have to join a sizeable queue for that gig.”
Gavin Rowlocks, loyal Daily Mail reader, said: “Yes, False Widow Spiders are high on my list of concerns along with immigration, Jeremy Corbyn, smart meters, diesel cars, whether Kim Kardashian will be ravaged by cellulite and Japanese knotweed.”
“These evil spiders can pop up anywhere, alarm everyone and are always mildly toxic.”
“They are perfectly qualified to be a Daily Mail columnist.”