HEALTH and Safety Experts and the League of Psychologists advise public to get themselves a diary.
The Daily Squabble asked Stacey Gubbins, our local lap dancer, what the craze for perennial pyrotechnics meant to her.
“It drives me bonkers,” she replied. “And my two pit bulls, Kanye and Kim, become even more insane. When I got back from my gentleman’s club on New Year’s day they had eaten my DFS sofa and it still has 18 months interest free credit on it.
“Supermarket fireworks are so lame,” she added. “If you stand 10 metres back you can’t even see them. I get a more spectacular display from my Yankee Candle.
“In the club I tried one of those metal angle grinders against a steel plate tied to my crotch. That gave off sparks! EU regulations ruined the show. I had to wear a full welder’s mask – it wasn’t exactly alluring. That’s why I voted for Brexit. So I can make myself blind if I want to.”
Dr Sally Doolally, from the League of Psychology, explained: “British firework displays provide a similar thrill to yachting which is often described as shredding ten pound notes while standing beneath a cold shower.
“Research has shown that we don’t really confine them to fireworks night anymore because, pre-Brexit, Guy Fawkes isn’t really regarded as the villain anymore. Most people can sympathise with his disillusionment.
“Firework displays are perfect for wedding celebrations as they exactly mirror most people’s matrimonial experiences. After some nervous anticipation, there is a transient sparkle, a flash, a bang and then all that is left are dried up empty husks and bitter recriminations about money.
“No, I don’t need a hug!”
Photograph by 久留米市民(Kurume-Shimin) (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons