£48 MILLION DEMANDED from UK to make Calais even more sh*t
At a summit meeting at Sandhurst today, President Emmanuel Macron is expected to deftly negotiate the inclusion of France on the international register of sh*thole countries.
The French President will demand the UK funds an extensive shopping list of barbed wire, CCTV and attack dogs to make Calais even less welcoming.
Peregrine Snook, Foreign Office Minister, said: “France felt completely snubbed the other day, when they were excluded from the official US list of sh*thole countries.”
“They have worked hard throughout the centuries to earn their rightful place.”
“They are so proud of their dodgy cuisine. Have you ever eaten andouillettes, horrible sausages made from innards? Graffiti-plastered buildings, and grim border crossings thronged with desperate unaccompanied minors.”
“It’s not as if we will get nothing in return.”
“Eventually, we will be able to borrow back the Bayeux tapestry.
Brexiteer Gavin Rowlocks isn’t particularly impressed by this plan.
“That tapestry is British to start with,” said Mr Rowlocks. “If I want to see it, I can see the full-scale replica in Reading.”
“I can’t say I have ever bothered and couldn’t pin-point Reading on a map even if I wanted to.”
“And it’s an embroidery!”
“Still, that’s more than we will receive from Carillion for a £48 million emergency injection.”