GARDENING guru confirms what most people have long suspected.
TV gardening expert, Aaron Aardvark, has finally come clean in a shock exclusive interview with ‘The Daily Squabble’.
“It’s true, confirmed Mr Aardvark. “When it comes to thankless, back-breaking, gruelling tasks that are allegedly carried out ‘for fun’, exercise and fresh air, gardening takes the biscuit.”
“I have just spent all weekend fighting my way through a dripping-wet shrubbery cutting back bamboo.”
“I had woodlice in my hair, thorns from stray roses in my fingers and spiders crawling down my bum-crack.”
“Would I rather have been indoors goofing around on the internet and drinking tea – or something stronger?”
“Quite frankly – yes!”
“There is no practical point to gardening.”
“People say that home-grown vegetables have more taste.”
“However, most vegetables taste horrible. That’s why children refuse to eat them.”
“The blander the better if you ask me. My courgettes are so bitter – you need to tip sugar on them.”
“Why grow pest-ridden, mutant, stunted specimens when beautiful vegetables are so cheap at Lidl and you can pick up a bottle of wine, remarkably cheap olive oil and random power tools while you are there?”
“My problem is that I like to laze around in a nice garden drinking Prosecco but have no minions to do my manual work for me.”
“I think we should have a new type of lottery with the winner being allocated all the celebrities currently on community service.”
“Kirsty Gallacher could weed my vegetable patch and Wayne Rooney could paint my garden bench.”
“Come to think about it, I will just get on and do it myself.”