George Osborne: Additional job cleaning Houses of Parliament "I can do it while I vote! Has anyone got any Vaseline?"

George Osborne sweeping

HARDWORKING Ex-Chancellor to nab yet another source of income.

George Gideon Oliver Osborne, MP for Tatton, is thought to have secured yet another job to add to his impressive employment portfolio.

A Spokesperson for the Tory Party said: “It is very valuable for MPs to grasp additional work experience.  It’s not an ‘insult to electors’ at all. It keeps politicians grounded, enabling them to relate to their constituents’ daily drudgery.”

“Clearly, MPs have to supplement their meagre £75,000 salary plus expenses package. Their wages only went up by a paltry 10% in 2015”.

“Mr Osborne was deemed to be the most suitable candidate to clean the House of Commons. He doesn’t have any actual cleaning experience but he has plenty of spare time. He went to Oxford with the Managing Director of our cleaning contractor and so is clearly the best man for the job.”

“George intends to spend the morning feverishly editing the ‘Evening Standard’ before popping in just after lunch, inserting a broom handle in his rectum, and sweeping vigorously while he heads for the voting lobbies.”

“He volunteered to empty bins in any committee rooms housing confidential discussions. He says the ‘Evening Standard’ has great recycling facilities so he will sort out all the papers there. It’s a ‘win win’ scenario.”

“Theresa May is warming to George again as this all means one less job for foreigners. If everyone does seven jobs like George, we won’t miss the odd 3 million immigrants.”

“Osborne’s sweeping helps him fondly recall his time at public school and eye-watering inductions into the Bullingdon Club.”

“There was always a lot of mess that needed to be swept away!”

George Osborne said: “It’s important for the whole country to roll up its sleeves and get Britain working. Follow my lucrative example. Your current role can only be enhanced by doing several different wage paying jobs at the same time!”

“Being a cleaner is an excellent job. It really pays since some amazing, thinking-woman’s-crumpet, macho super-genius Chancellor implemented the National Minimum Wage”.

“In these austere economic times with a punishing cap on benefits, removal of universal child benefit and ‘omnishambles’ budgets, everyone has to maximise their income to pay for the return of the pasty tax.”

“Off to work at the bank now.”

“I am going to clean its windows this evening.”

“Bankers recognise that £650,000 per year only goes so far!”


Photograph: George Osborne
Photograph: Brush
Both modified by ‘The Daily Squabble’











About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

View all posts by The Daily Squabble →