Health Service replaced by Local Faith Healers with Intimate Knowledge of Herbs.
The Government has stunned the country by abolishing the struggling National Health Service.
A jubilant spokeswoman for the Department of Health, Dr Cheryl Croak, said: “We copied this strategy from the Home Office. It seems to have got away with its scandalous proposal that Britain should slam the door on child refugees because charity ‘encourages traffickers’. If one Government department can welch on its most precious humanitarian promises, we don’t see why we can’t join the club.”
“The NHS obviously ‘encourages people to be ill’ – that’s why A&E departments are constantly overflowing.”
“These new arrangements will save a fortune. We are going to replace all hospitals, doctors and nurses with a withered crone in each village who will dispense home-brewed herbal remedies. All we have to do is provide growbags and some fertiliser!”
“We don’t want to get rid of the brand entirely – we will just rename it: ‘The National Herb Service’.”
“We realise that we will still have to provide local maternity services. These will be coordinated by a snag-toothed, wrinkled wise woman. She may need to sacrifice the odd infant, at 3 a.m. up on a lonely blasted heath, to keep the Father of all Tories happy – but that’s a small price to pay. It will be just like the good old days.”
Local Faith Healer, Iris Cadwaladr, said: “This sounds excellent for business. I am sure the official government crones will be swamped and people will have to go private.”
“I will build an extension to my clinic immediately. For £250 you can have Hopi candles in each ear, a cranial massage, a full Reiki, a sprinkling of tarot and angel cards, and amethyst crystals shoved up each orifice.”
“I am not promising I can cure you but you will be relieved to get out alive – I can tell you.”
Dr Croak said: “We don’t think people will miss the traditional NHS. Through our recent management strategies, patients have come to terms with the fact that they can either heal themselves or quietly pass away. They like to make their own choices.”
“If you wait for 6 weeks in an A&E waiting room, your broken ankle kind of heals itself – it’s magic.”
“The National Herb Service will also dramatically speed up the approval process for new drugs. As soon as a licenced crone has plucked a new weed from their herbaceous border – it becomes a legitimate treatment.”
“We are hoping Prince Charles will agree to be patron of ‘The National Herb Service’.”
“He loves that type of sh*t.”
Photograph from Pixabay.
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