NHS ENGLAND implement cunning emergency response plan to cope with unprecedented demand.
We asked Dr Cheryl Croak, Senior A&E Consultant at Sourface General Hospital, to explain their recently implemented emergency winter plan. Dr Croak vehemently denies that her hospital faced a ‘humanitarian crisis.’
She said: “The first element of our emergency response plan is to simply lock all the doors. This normally works but, unfortunately, sometimes patients still get in.
“If we do see a potential patient in reception we have trained the receptionist to do the mannequin challenge – she simply freezes pointing at the ‘Greater than 4 hour wait’ sign and will not react to any stimuli. She’s actually more productive than usual when she does that.
Gavin Rowlocks, local fruitcake, said: “I often visit A&E when I feel lonely or haven’t got any better offers. Actually, I never get any better offers! It’s the only place that bolsters my self-esteem as some patients are in a worst state than I am – usually the ones accompanied by a brace of police officers. The hospital has turned the heating off in reception now to put me off – not good for a four hour wait! I have a tiny little hernia and so I often go up there pretending its strangulated. It’s my only excuse to drop my pants in front of lady doctors and get away with it. I only ever get attention from medical personnel and parasites. God bless the NHS!”
Cheryl Croak said: “It’s not our fault that we have to behave like this. Some elderly patients refuse to go home for a plethora of different reasons and so all the beds are blocked.
“Mrs Bradley won’t leave because she says her home hasn’t got Netflix or a spiralizer.
“Mr Hughes won’t go unless we all club together to buy him a Nutribullet.
“Must go – winter vomiting virus!”
Photograph by Bill Branson (Photographer) [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons