Government informed that ‘driverless’ lorries have existed since 1804 They're called 'trains'!

Steam train

ROBUST response to government’s dumb-arsed plan for ‘driverless’ lorries on congested British motorways.

INSANE MINISTERS have proudly announced trials of ‘driverless’ lorries which will, in theory, accelerate and brake at the same time.

Up to three giant lorries will travel in giant automated convoys, wirelessly ‘controlled’ by a driver in the lead vehicle.

Peregrine Snook, from the Department of Transport said: “For the last couple of years, the government has concentrated on wrecking everyone’s mental health by subjecting innocent citizens to both a Brexit referendum and a snap election.”

“Now, it’s time to endanger the public’s physical health by deploying platoons of automated giant lorries that will block all possible escape routes from congested motorways.”

“We have termed them ‘driverless’ even though there clearly has to be a driver in each one of them – ready to grab the wheel and try to prevent a cataclysmic holocaust the moment that Skynet becomes self-aware.”

“Driverless’ refers to the fact that only the driver in the lead truck will normally be driving.”

“The drivers in the two trucks behind will most likely have their feet up in the dashboard while they chat on their CB radios, eat Yorkies and peruse men’s magazines.”

Gavin Rowlocks, member of the AA said: “This is one of the stupidest plans I have ever heard. Trucks pursuing each other with just inches separating them, each one with a driver – just in case. What’s the point?”

“Engineers came up with a perfectly safe way of transporting massive amount of freight 200 years ago. They’re called trains! Each carriage is ‘driverless’ and the passengers don’t even have to pay attention. They can drink overpriced lager, abuse each other and wonder why so many of the toilets are out of order.”

“On a train, you can safely use your mobile phone without worrying that it will make your ‘driverless’ lorry swerve out of control.”

Research by Highways England on a test track at the Transport Research Laboratory has so far determined that initial trials on motorways should be preferably carried out very far away from the researchers.

The stretch of the M6 near Carlisle seems fairly expendable.


Photograph by:
By Msomerville21 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (],
via Wikimedia Commons





About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

View all posts by The Daily Squabble →