Halloween Weather Prayers Answered: Torrential rain

Putting a dampener on Trick or Treating.

Gavin Rowlocks, professional party-pooper, is delighted with the current weather conditions.

“Halloween – I just can’t stand it.”

“Trick or treat is against everything I stand for. If I haven’t been invited to somebody’s house – I am not going to go.”

“I also hate carving pumpkins.”

“As a child in the Seventies, we could only afford swedes or turnips.  No one in Britain had even seen a giant pumpkin apart from the ones in Charlie Brown cartoons.”

“These days pumpkins are everywhere. You can buy one for 50p.”

“Any fool can carve a pumpkin. Have you ever tried carving a swede? They are solid as a rock. I was lucky to reach puberty with all my fingers intact.”

“And what can you do with the inside of a pumpkin – all that gloopy stringy mess laced with huge spiky seeds. Us Brits usually just throw it away. Starving people in the world and we chuck away the allegedly nutritious bit, singe the inside with a candle before throwing that away as well and how do you light a tea-light when it is inside a giant pumpkin without burning all the hair off the back of your hand? You have to light it in mid-air and drop it, hoping the fall doesn’t snuff out the feeble flame before the rain gets past the lid.”

“I suppose I could make a pumpkin into a pie and have it with ice-cream but that seems really hard work and I am gluten and lactose intolerant so no thanks. I could dry out the seeds in the oven as a health snack but there is a health food shop around the corner packed with seeds and I have got more important ranting work to do.”

“So in summary, don’t come around here with your “trick or treating.”

“Fireworks’ night soon.”

“God bless the rain.”

Photograph of pumpkin



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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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