Harry Potter Crab? ‘Why not name it ‘Nevergetlaidius inamillionyearii?’ suggests the Council of Science.


PROFESSOR Hardy Weinberg, from the Council of Science, has reacted in fury to a bunch of geek scientists christening a newly discovered crustacean ‘Harryplax severus‘.

“This publicity has set the scientific community’s quest to have sex with normal women back a hundred years!” the Professor exclaimed.

“We have spent millions of pounds on positive reinforcement, trying to convey to the public that scientists can be cool and that some very rare specimens, such as Rachel Riley, can actually be sexy – even if her brain is still wired in a very peculiar way.”

“Now, these so-called marine biologists have let the whole side down and brazenly outed themselves as Harry Potter super-geeks. We are never going to live this one down.”

‘And why are scientists watching Harry Potter in the first place? I could almost forgive them for watching Star Trek, Star Wars or even Doctor Who – as long as they keep quiet about it. Sci-fi franchises might actually inspire them to invent something futuristic and useful – a tachyon torpedo, a light sabre or even a sodding sonic screwdriver. Harry Potter is kiddies’ magic – it doesn’t even pretend to be science!”

“What were they thinking? Scientists back in the good old days didn’t name animals after their favourite books or films. An animal’s scientific name is meant to tell you something useful about its anatomy, habitat or ecology. For example, the hippo: ‘Hippopotamus amphibius‘ translates as ‘river horse’. This helps you locate it when trekking around Africa. You are expecting to find a large mammal in a river.”

“No-one ever dreamt of calling a hippo ‘Gonewiththewindus clarkgableius‘ in honour of their favourite film.”

“What help to anyone is calling a crab ‘Harryplax’? This sounds like you would expect to find it in a multi-screen cinema – possibly scurrying around and eating discarded popcorn. Or maybe creeping into your mouth at night, while you are asleep around a beach campfire, and picking bits of old Doritos from between your teeth.”

“And, as for the second part of the name ‘severus‘. The word ‘severus‘ means rigorous. How ‘rigorous’ can a tiny crab measuring 0.2 inches possibly be?”

“‘Punius‘ would be more appropriate. Or ‘wasteoftimeius’.”

“Let’s hope this research group doesn’t find any more new species or the poor things will end up as ‘Startrekius saddusloseri‘, ‘Spottius geekius‘ or’Potnoodlius xboxius’.”

“‘Netflixius boxsetius?'”

“Right, I am off to the gym now to get buff before whitening my teeth.”

“Someone has to stick to the programme!”


Crab photo: Attribution: © Hans Hillewaert
[CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons






About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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