“PERSONALLY, I always use Storm Shadow Cruise Missiles,” says Prime Minister.
Letter from reader:
Dear Prime Minister, I accidentally purchased one too many bottles of Domestos during a recent shopping trip. I would be grateful if you could ask Michael Gove, the Environment Minister, how I can safely dispose of it.
Therese May’s reply:
“There is no need to refer it to that peculiar little toad. He would only advise slow and ineffective action such as returning it to the shop or flushing the contents down the sink and recycling the bottle. We cannot allow such responsible behaviour to be normalised.
As Prime Minister, I would simply scramble a squadron of tornado fighters from Akrotiri airbase and blast the offending item to smithereens with a dozen cruise missiles fired from hundreds of kilometres away. This limited and targeted strike could be over in less than an hour.
We need to deal with this urgently. Harbouring excess bleach is the crime of a monster not the action of a man.
Critics might argue that I need parliament’s approval for such legally questionable actions but it’s the weekend. MPs are never around when you want them.
I also find the frequent use of cruise missiles is an effective deterrent to the world’s dictators.
What better way to protect the world from madmen detonating chemical weapons than by blowing up stocks of chemicals with high explosives?”
Cruise missile photo: This file is a work of a sailor or employee of the U.S. Navy, taken or made as part of that person’s official duties. As a work of the U.S. federal government, the image is in the public domain in the United States. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tomahawk_Block_IV_cruise_missile.jpg#filelinks