‘Hygge’ means: ‘Scoffing pasties whilst wearing slipper socks’ says British Public. ‘Count us in!’

Hygge

TRENDY Danish craze (‘Hygge’) translates as ‘slobbing around all day, stuffing your face, in a ‘Sarah Lund’ jumper’.

The Daily Squabble asked local residents what the latest lifestyle craze ‘Hygge’ meant to them. Everyone, in Much Craplock, was lucky enough to receive one or more books on Hygge (pronounced HOO-gah) for Christmas, courtesy of desperately unimaginative relatives.

Olly Chuzzlewit, university student, explained: “Hygge basically translates as ‘cosy’. As a student, I take the quest for hygge immensely seriously. Two years ago, it actually meant ‘Netflix and chill’ but I just get my face slapped these days when I suggest that.”

“Sleeping under soft blankets until midday, reading a good book by the fireplace or tucked up in a cosy window seat swaddled in a duvet. Watching two seasons of ‘The Walking Dead’ in one session. Pizza, coffee and pastries – are all hyggelig (Ed: This is the adjective, pronounced HOO-gah-lee). Basically slobbing around with mates and eating bad food. Every food item can be hyggelig if you add enough sugar to it.”

Stacey Gubbins said: “I consider myself to be a ‘Hygge master”. This is basically like being a Jedi master, but a lot fatter, due to all the cake. During my discipleship I became so obese I had to have emergency liposuction. I then used my own sucked-out lard to fill up my empty Yankee Candle containers. Candles are most definitely hygge!”

“When my candles were fresh from the shops they smelt of ‘black coconut’. Now they give off a whiff of bacon. That’s great, because bacon is hyggelig-central.”

“I think it’s all a con,” said Daisy McNutt. “It’s just a way of promoting the few export goods that Denmark is famous for. Did you know they are the largest producers of mink in the world?  I am surprised they haven’t gone right ahead and defined hygge as eating Danish bacon, while lying under a Danish mink fur and listening to Sandi Tokswig podcasts.”

We asked the Editor in Chief of ‘The Daily Squabble’, ‘Mallet’ Mike, what he thought about hygge. “It stands for everything this magazine fights against,” he said. “For hygge, you have to have harmony, togetherness, a truce, equality and must never raise any controversial opinions about anything. You can never raise your voice, never criticise. It’s about cosy togetherness and feeling safe. Well, this magazine isn’t about making anyone feel safe. It has come to bring fire and how we wish that fire was burning already – so get on and share our links, cherished followers!”

“To achieve hygge, no-one can give any form of opinion. It’s not ‘cosy’ or socially acceptable to express an actual point of view these days. When someone says ‘Ooh I am off to see ‘La La Land’ this week’ you are meant to say ‘That’s lovely. I do hope you’ll enjoy it now let’s play a delightfully harmonious board game’. Bland, saccharine, pleasant comments increase hygge if you can hide the look of contempt in your eyes.”

“I tend to always blurt out the truth. ”La La Land’? – that sounds like another ‘Moulin Rouge’. I would rather stick pins in my eyes!’ I try to provoke people to actually defend their opinion, to think about their feelings. How refreshing it would be to have a conversation, to find out something meaningful about them and the attitudes of the wider world.”

“Instead, all I get are people looking like they are going to cry as the threat of minor confrontation drains the cosiness from them.  I am a hygge-vampire.  I am the ‘anti-hygge! I am branded the ‘Lyseslucker’, the spoilsport – the one who snuffs out the hygge candles!”

“The Brexit referendum was a vote for more hygge,” continued ‘Mallet’ Mike – refusing to get back in his box. “Hygge is locking yourself away in a sheltered, cosy little cabin, decorated with expensive, vintage designer lamps. Huddling with a small exclusive group of friends and family, with everyone else locked out, forgotten and uninvited, while thermonuclear war rains down upon them.”

“It’s not giving a toss about others as long as you have fresh coffee, designer ceramics, cakes, tactile cushions and candles. Cosiness basically means excluding and forgetting about the rest of the world while you wear slipper socks in the warm.”

Stacey Gubbins said: “I organised a hygge themed gathering last week but it fell at the first hurdle. A heated argument resulted in several punches being thrown about how to actually pronounce hygge. We had to get the iPad to pronounce it for us!  I tried to lighten the atmosphere by suggesting we play board games. Board games? My family are the most competitive swines in the world. How is that going to be harmonious? We couldn’t even decide on the rules and had to ring the Monopoly helpline to de-escalate the conflict. That didn’t help. I still think you get all the money from Super Tax when you land on Free Parking.”

“To dress in a hygge style you need scarves, which is tricky at Christmas as we took the precaution of removing scarves and all shoe laces from the house to get us through the BBC Christmas specials without serious self-harm.”

“Hygge can be a great excuse when you don’t want to do something. Whenever my daughter, Tiffany, wants to steal my ghds, I tell her that she can’t and not to worry as ‘casual hair’ is so hygge.”

Gavin Rowlocks commented: “I don’t really understand the Hygge rules for watching television. You can watch fictitious horror, all curled up together under a blanket, but you aren’t meant to watch the actual news. Noir whodunits like ‘The Killing’ bore me rigid. I don’t like the slow, arty atmosphere and expensive designer knitwear.”

“There’s a Welsh one that’s even worse, ‘Hinterland’. Miserable detectives, wandering around desolate moors, all with faces like smacked arses. I quite like rugged scenery but I like my detectives to be cheerful and more colourful. I propose a new Hygge crime story, with a moustached, dark-haired private detective relocating from Hawaii to drive his Ferrari around bleak uplands. His life would be devoted to solving crimes committed in and around a bog. I would call it ‘Sphagnum’.”

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Photograph by Picjumbo (Victor Hanacek).
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About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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