UNDEFEATED Monopoly Champion to challenge World Chess Champion in Sin City showdown.
“How difficult can chess be?” asked Dermot O’Beery, the Irish Monopoly champion.
“I am a mixed board-game expert. I am also a knockout at Cluedo.”
“This match is going to be the finest cross-rule board-game spectacle that Las Vegas has ever witnessed!”
“I am going to ask Demi Lovato to sing the Irish national anthem before the game.”
“I am sure we can rely on Bruce Willis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lopez and Vanessa Hudgens – whoever she is – to turn up.”
His proposed opponent, Viktor Hackinkov, the Soviet Chess Champion, remains unimpressed.
“I am coming out of retirement just one last time to face this idiot.”
“After 49 straight victories, I would much rather spend all my time in my notorious strip club, ‘Kingpawn’.”
“However, I owe the crowd a show after my merciless, short demolition of my previous opponent. I will let O’Beery capture a couple of pawns, then wait until the tenth move to finish him – once he gets a little tired and wobbly.”
“I am worried that my opponent will forget he is playing chess and muddle it up with Monopoly. If I move my pieces to checkmate him, he will probably try to charge me rent.”
“Still, this bout should be an amazing pay-per-view spectacle. I am sure that many Hollywood superstars will make the pilgrimage to Vegas.”
“Chris Hemsworth will probably hire a private jet in order to witness my brilliance.”
LeBron James, Meek Mill and Chance the Rapper will probably also be there – whoever the f^ck they are!”
There are other options open to O’Beery if his new career in top-level chess doesn’t go to plan.
” I plan to take over the drinks market.” he announced, “with my branded Irish whiskey ‘Monopolise’.”
“I probably won’t need more money after my match against Hackinkov.”
“I will laugh at the notion of ‘Free Parking’ while employing a devious accountant to evade paying ‘Super tax’.”