IVF Dad only signed up to get licence for self-abuse

“CHILDREN are often noisy, irritating and expensive – there had to be something in it for me”.

Prospective IVF parent, Darren Barren, has spoken candidly to ‘The Daily Squabble’ about his motivation behind signing up for fertility treatment.

“I have found that work colleagues don’t approve if you look yourself away in the stationary cupboard with some porn and knock one out,” confessed Darren.

“But by disguising this activity as a legitimate medical procedure, they are all willing to cover for me while I visit my special place in the hospital.”

“They slap me on my back when I return and wish me luck rather than instigating disciplinary action.”

“”God bless the NHS.”

“One day, I hope to be brave enough to push the button at the hospital marked: ‘Press if you need nurse assistance’.”

“The other dads have said this is great – as long as nurse Ivanka isn’t on duty. ‘Ivanka the yanker’ – that’s what they call her.”

“Most of the other chaps are quite resigned to their partners eventually getting pregnant but I enjoy choking my chicken so much, I don’t ever want to stop.”

“Fortunately, there is a staff canteen right next to the Dad’s room. 30 seconds in the microwave always slows down my wrigglers a bit.”

“The hospital could make it easier for prospective Dads. You have to collect the key to the ‘Specimen room’ at the front desk and walk all the way through the building with it.

They don’t want it to get lost so have added a massive novelty key-ring to it.

“Labelling it with a massive nob just isn’t fair.”


Photo by https://pxhere.com/en/photo/593253 (Of course, the lovely couple pictured have absolutely nothing to do with the fantasy story above).


About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

View all posts by The Daily Squabble →