LABOUR party completely out of touch with British voters’ desire to live in a dog-eat-dog, nihilistic world.
“I only used to vote ‘Labour’ because I hated posh people,” said Stacey Gubbins, local resident. “But once we had banned fox-hunting, my hunger for class-war was satisfied.”
“After watching Hugh Grant in ‘Love Actually’, every Christmas for the last 12 years, I can relate to upper-class twits now. Hugh has it away with Martine McCutcheon. Sometimes posh nobs do lower themselves to breed with commoners like me.
“These days, I feel that I could hold my own with Hugh Grant. I have bought olives from Waitrose. I can drink wine.”
“Labour, back in the Seventies, was okay,” agreed Gavin Rowlocks, local fruitcake. “Back then, it was all about prising money and better terms and conditions out of the bosses during winters of discontent. As long as Labour were giving us more pay, more holidays and less working hours – I could vote for them and forgive them any underlying hippy ideals. I like militant unions who can forcefully vocalise my personal greed. Their strategic goals match my grasping aspirations.”
“These days, Labour are all about munching inclusive muesli in five million-pound Hackney houses. Preaching about loving everybody while listening to Bob Marley on designer vinyl turntables. We don’t need bleeding-heart consciences protecting workers’ terms and conditions because interfering Europeans have forced all that baggage on us.”
“To paraphrase Orwell, Labour are just left with a handful of ‘green-juice drinkers, nudists, sandal-wearers, sex-maniacs, ‘Nature Cure’ quacks, pacifists, and feminists’ who are all probably lovely people but you won’t find them indulging in a consumerist orgy with the common man down at the Trafford Centre. How can they relate to me? Probably haven’t even got Xboxes.”
A lonely Labour MP said, “We’re in deep trouble now that most of our traditional supporters have revealed themselves to be just as treacherous and nationalistic as the next selfish s**t.”
Gavin Rowlocks admitted, “My main goals in life are to: maximise my pay packet – at the expense of everyone around me; to buy my council house – with not the slightest concern as to where other needy people will live in the future; and to booze my way through an annual two-week holiday in Salou – which I am hoping will become a lot less Spanish after I voted for Brexit.”
Stacey Gubbins said: “Pass the Waitrose olives! ‘Bridget Jones’ is on TV again tonight. I really like Colin Firth – I can’t decide whether he is more posh than Hugh Grant.”
“Colin falls in love with a Portuguese waitress in ‘Love Actually’, which concerns me. He might be one of those Brexit remoaners.”
Photograph by Garry Knight from London, England (Jeremy Corbin) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Common