“WRITHING your gusset while dropping from roofs will give us all a bad name,” say spiders.
Spiders across the nation have condemned Lady Gaga’s descent into Houston’s NRG stadium, as part of her barnstorming Super Bowl half-time performance.
The plucky performer swung down from the roof of the building suspended by cables.
“We don’t mind her performing daring aerial stunts hanging from threads,” said Terry Legge-Burke, a false widow spider who lurks in Gavin Rowlock’s shed. “She’s welcome to join our arachnid club.”
“What we do object to is that Gaga writhed her silver-sequined crotch and waved her paltry number of legs whilst she was on her way down. It looked ridiculous and there were 112 million people watching! Imagine if spiders did that every time they descended from a ceiling; no-one would be scared of us any more – they would just pee themselves laughing before swatting us.”
“It’s taken thousands of years to get arachnophobia to the top of the fear charts. We’re not going to let those stupid snakes overtake us and so we can’t have people doing ludicrous spider impressions.”
“Gaga did get a lot better after she hit the ground,” admitted Terry. “I like the fact she sang a mild protest song and hadn’t felt pressurised to drink much Diet Pepsi in the run up to the event.”
“She wasn’t able to decide which one of her fantastic hits to sing and so simply sang them all.”
“It was an epic 12-minute advert for her forthcoming world tour. I don’t think I will buy tickets. I will probably just watch it on the web.”
“Mind you, she probably did a better job on the wires than Beyoncé would have done, as Queen Bee is currently weighted down by twins. No-one would have wanted them to be ‘Born That Way’.”
“One of Lady Gaga’s songs means a lot to me personally. My wife tried to eat me while we were copulating – talk about a ‘Bad Romance’.”