Lemmings: Three-line whip imposed. All must vote for cliff-jumping!


REPRESENTATIVES of lemming populations must comply with the recent referendum that requires the entire population to jump off a cliff.

“I’m not so sure this is still such a good idea,” said Reginald Rodent, Member of ‘Lemming Parliament’ for Much Craplock.

“This proposed cliff-jumping has already created a massive great mess. Most of the lemmings who voted for it have admitted that they didn’t know what jumping actually is, weren’t aware that the cliff would be quite that high or that it would take quite so long to finally crash down onto the barren, jagged rocks below.”

“Most lemmings voted for self-destruction because they were fed up with hard-working Eastern-European marmots coming into the country, grubbing around and picking all the strawberries. Not that any of my constituents could be bothered to pick any fruit themselves.”

“I have got to seriously consider whether I, as a democratically elected member of the Lemming Parliament, am meant to represent a few vocal nutters in my constituency or actually use my brain. Most of us would prefer just to forget about the whole thing and restart our lives.”

“We all thought the summer referendum was a bit of a laugh. No-one was taking it that seriously but, suddenly, there was the result!”

“The loony 37% of the population had all turned out and voted that every UK lemming should jump off the highest cliff. They scraped through with a 2 percent majority”.

“Blow me! It was quite a surprise.”

“Why the hell didn’t we set up the referendum properly and say that, if we want everyone to jump off a cliff, 70% of the population would have to vote for it. That would have stopped a whole lot of silliness.”

“I don’t think the far-north lemmings will go through with it. They are constantly distancing themselves from the rest of us whilst bizarrely trying to cosy up to the rest of the world. Basically, they want to be friends with anybody – other than us.”

“All they have got going for them are strident cries, persistence and dwindling stocks of natural resources. They are determined to kill themselves off by eating poor diets. They prefer to choose their own slow path to oblivion.”

A Spokeslemming for the Opposition Party said: “This critical debate is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for our party to actually have a distinctive identity and an actual policy. Just think of the damage we could do to the Government if we voted against it. However, we are enjoying our hard-won reputation for gross ineptitude and bitter in-fighting.”

“When it comes to the cliff-jumping vote, we really can’t be bothered to fight it as that would require both courage and integrity. We are also frightened that a snap general election would completely wipe us off the political map. We would rather be impotent, suicidal cliff-jumpers than face down rioters shortly before becoming permanently unemployed.”

“All Opposition lemmings must vote for cliff jumping. Anyone not supporting it will have to come and find me amongst the thousands of other rotting carcasses at the bottom of the cliff.”

“I intend to give them a really stiff-talking to; exactly as I did, the last five times they betrayed me.”


Lemmings photo by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/taolin/8639700222








About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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