Mafia Outcompeted by Local Councils


VEGAS mobsters visit Council Offices to gain tips on extortion techniques

Gangster, Rudi Calamaro, said: “These wise-guy council bosses have muscled in on all our rackets.”

“Respect is due.”

“They are so brazen about their extortion rackets.”

“We go around businesses individually muscling them for protection money.”

“Councils send a massive bill to everyone for a selection of fantasy services.”

“It goes up by a random figure above inflation every single year!”

“It even lists openly how much they are paying to the ‘Police and Crime Commissioner’.”

“If we did that – we would be put away.”

“They charge to take the bins away – but rarely do it. They charge a second time to take garden waste away.”

“They charge to ‘mend’ the potholes in the roads – I ain’t noticed no smooth roads.”

“They get paid to educate the brats – I ain’t seen no education.”

“They force you to cough up the names of every adult in your house – at least once per year – to ensure no-one escapes their web.”

Barry Brith, resident of Moronshire, Wales’ foremost carrot-growing county agreed.

“I phoned up to ask whether I needed planning permission to put solar panels on my roof.”

“After they stopped laughing at the idea of solar panels in Wales, they said they couldn’t talk to me unless I filled out a form on the internet and paid them £25. Then they might get back to me in 21 days.”

“A £25 fee just to ask them a simple question?”

“I already pay them £2,500 a year and an extra £33 for a garden bin!”

“Superb”, said Mr Calamaro.

“If we can get some slots in their leisure centres, we will truly be working with the masters.”


Photo of gangsters:
Photo of wheelie bin:



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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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