Man frightened to suggest to work colleagues that ‘Fast and Furious 8’ may be the best film ever made

More fun than a Prius!

Middle-class colleagues think that watching ‘Gardeners’ World’, with a small glass of Merlot, counts as riotous entertainment.

Bernard Weasel, Environmental Office for Anyold Council, is frightened to admit to his frumpy, ageing colleagues that he thoroughly enjoyed the latest blockbusting movie: ‘Fast and Furious 8’.

“They might think I’m a total moron!” he complained to ‘The Daily Squabble’.

“I re-mortgaged my house to buy a ticket for the local multiplex. I even bought some extortionately priced flaccid popcorn. After an hour of watching interminable adverts, ‘Fast and Furious 8’ kicked off with a race scene in Cuba. After a few quick flashes of incredibly pert buttocks from the mini-skirted street- race senoritas, I slipped my brain into neutral and lapped up the ensuing carnage.”

“This film has got both Vin Diesel and Jason Statham – you can’t get better than that.”

“It features The Rock, hanging off a speeding car and skating on sea ice, being chased by a rogue nuclear submarine. The Rock hurls the submarine’s fired torpedo at a pursuing army of terrorists!”

“It has got Lamborghinis and Helen Mirren with a ridiculous – but adorable – cockney accent.”

“I loved everything about it.”

“In contrast, I don’t think my work colleagues have ever actually enjoyed themselves at the cinema.”

“I have heard them mumble about tedious Oscar-winning s**t like ‘La La Land’, ‘Spotlight’ or ‘Moonlight’.”

“Watching ‘Fast and Furious’ may be vulgar but do I care?”

“It’s fun!”

“It’s like eating a hamburger while driving a Subaru Impreza and fondling a tattooed woman.”

Bernard’s boss, Geoffrey Lewis, said, “He thinks I’m not interested in fast cars and fun but he’s wrong. I hear the government may be offering a £2,000 scrappage scheme for old diesel cars.”

“There’s still life in this old dog. I am thinking of trading in my 12-year-old VW Polo for a Suzuki Swift!'”

“You will choke on my dust when I gun its throbbing 1.2 litre engine – particularly if I brush the accumulated dandruff off my shoulders while I roar away!”


Photography by Alexandre Prévot from Nancy, France (Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons












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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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