Man hates his iPhone more than any other object


LOCAL MAN traumatized by technology / smarting from his smartphone.

“I thought I had better try one,” said Gavin Rowlocks, lamenting his recent purchase of an iPhone.

“I have always been a PC user but my children have long since defected to the dark side.”

“For a mere £42 per month for 24 months, I was eventually the owner of a shiny new Apple smartphone once I had promised to stay rooted in one spot until the courier deigned to visit.”

“The first thing I did was to confirm on the calculator app that this was going to cost me £1,031. Cheap at twice the price!”

“My previous iPhone was a cast-off from my daughter. The battery lasted exactly 12 hours – on a good day, even after I had turned off Bluetooth and email updates.”

“It barely had enough memory to load Facebook.”

“I just used it as a remote control for my Sonos – permanently plugged into the charger. Don’t get me started on how many charging cables I have gone through. I was buying them three at a time.  My current one is held together with duct tape.”

“My iPhone seems to enjoy punishing me for being a Microsoft devotee. It randomly replicates all my contacts – and refuses to synchronize my emails. Pressing delete on a Hotmail email might remove it from your iPhone but has no actual effect on your actual email account.”

“What the hell is ‘Safari’? When I go onto the internet, I just want to use ‘ Google.”

“Who needs ‘Facetime’ when you can just use ‘WhatsApp’?”

“And don’t get me started on iTunes. It wouldn’t let me do anything this morning because it alleged that I had ‘authorized’ 5 different computers already.”

“I don’t think I have ever owned 5 computers!”

“My children love iPhones because ‘they simply work.’ My motto is to never trust a mobile phone from which you can’t remove the battery.”

“Anyway, I don’t think living with technology should be easy.”

“I just bought a miniature Windows 10 PC with a 32-gigabyte minuscule memory.”

“Its memory is so tiny, it can’t actually manage to update its own operating system.”

“It’s like a pathetic electronic puppy that needs you to nurture it.”

“Every-time there is a significant new Windows 10 release, you have to download an entire new copy onto a 16 gig memory stick via a completely separate PC. This takes hours.”

“You then plug that memory stick into the 32-gig mini laptop and you also have to provide it with a second 16-gig memory stick in a second USB port to give it some memory wriggle room.”

“You don’t get that much fun with an Apple product. They just update themselves. You don’t get the chance to chat to other desperate Windows users on forums about creative workarounds and feel a spark of joy after 5 hours of research and (finally) a successful update.”

“Windows products keep your brain young – just like Sudoku.”



Photograph by ‘The Daily Squabble.’





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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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