MIDDLE-AGED man embraces Northern punk icons and stop-start peeing.
Gavin Rowlocks, local fifty-year old, has admitted to a newfound fascination for cult band ‘The Fall’.
“I can’t believe it,” he said. “I went to sleep on the eve of my fiftieth birthday, with a conventional taste in music and woke up in the morning – after getting up five times – with an unquenchable thirst for obscure post-punk.”
“My new weird musical taste knew no bounds. I also suddenly liked ‘The Smiths’, ‘The Clash’ and Paul Weller.”
“Within a space of eight hours, I had become a stereotypical white, middle-class, middle-aged male. I had become Jeremy Vine.”
“By enthusing about ‘The Fall’ ad nauseam, I can parade my punky, anarchic individuality – just like everyone else my age.”
“I can’t talk to you for long because I need to get a Lycra cycling suit for my new racing bike. I feel the need for pedal-powered speed – but I may need a more comfortable saddle.”
“I have also started taking an interest in my diet. Quinoa and wild salmon for lunch. Paleo!”
“I plan to ‘Eat M’self fitter’. LOL.”
Dr Sally Doolally, from the League of Psychologists, said: “This sad phenomenon is extremely common and is triggered when the prostate, normally a smooth walnut-sized gland, located where the sun doesn’t ever want to shine, grows to a critical mass – roughly the size of a knobbly pineapple.”
“The grossly enlarged prostate triggers the release of hormones. The hapless victims can’t resist abrasive guitars, cryptic lyrics and tense drum rhythms – even if the vibrations make them dribble wee.”
Mr Rowlocks did offer an alternative hypothesis for his new taste in music:
“Maybe, I have just metamorphosed into an ageing, pretentious, balding tw*t?”
“Do Lycra cycling suits have flies?”