McDonald’s launches new gut-buster: British Public pay homage to all hamburgers.


With the flagship launch of its latest artery cloggers: the ‘Grand Mac’ and the ‘Mac Jr’ (for wimps), we ask the residents of Much Craplock what ‘The Golden Arches’ mean to them.

Olly Chuzzlewit, university student, said “I’m not too bothered. Maccy D’s don’t do home delivery. It’s miles away! What am I meant to do, float over there on my hoverboard? Its batteries would probably give out or, more likely, explode.”

“I would rather have an extortionately priced Domino’s pizza delivered by a surly driver, even if he does hang around for a tip. Who cares about money? My student loan gets written off when I am 65. I’m not planning on crawling out from under my hygge blanket before then. ”

Reverend Neil Down, the local trendy vicar, remarked: “Of course, it is wrong to kneel down at the glowing, golden altars of naked, consumer capitalism. Please let me put my bags down, I have literally just returned from a pilgrimage to Rome.”

“Did I see the Vatican? What are you talking about – that would be far too continental. I’m CofE. I don’t worship graven images. I went to try the new McDonald’s nutella burger – it’s only available in Italy.”

Local farmer, Silage Marner, runs a teeming burger bar in his farm outlet shop. It’s not that busy with people and never has repeat customers, the term ‘teeming’ was used in a microbiological context in several ‘Community Outbreak Investigation Reports’ penned by Ella Salmon, Much Craplock’s long suffering Environmental Health Officer.

Mr Marner said: “McDonald’s is a brilliant company and I do everything to try and emulate it. According to a recent lawyer’s letter, I emulated it a bit too much when I erected a massive yellow ‘M’ on top of my burger restaurant. That’s perfectly valid for my surname – how can you trademark someone else’s initials?”

Mr Marner said: “I am planning to copy the new burger, the ‘Grand Mac’. How about if I call it the ‘Grand Marnier’? No-one’s going to have trademarked that. What? Oh, bugger!”

“To be honest, sometimes I don’t understand all the catering terminology. McDonald’s is always going on about ‘all beef patties’. After I collected the patties from the fields around here and moulded them into burgers, everyone contracted hepatitis.”

“You have to respect ‘the big M’. McDonald’s maintains scrupulous hygiene standards. The managers must have eyes in the backs of their heads. One more slip-up from me and that Ms Salmon is going to close me down for good; my fault for employing young farmers as chefs. They never wash their hands after lambing and delight in dolloping on a generous helping of their own special sauce.”

Anna Phylaxis, Nutrition Consultant, said: “Wheat, dairy – are you joking ? However, if you keep the bacon, burger, lettuce, onions and whatever the hell a ‘pickle’ is – it’s Paleo!”

“I remember when McDonald’s first launched in Britain, they used to sell root beer. It tasted just like TCP. It was vile – but in a good way. Not many other people seemed to agree with me and it is sadly long gone. I miss it – particularly the sugar. Oh, what I would do for some sugar!”

“Nutritionists can’t use the word ‘clean’ anymore, when it comes to eating. The term has been overused to package negative food fads. My new book is called ‘Eat well during the week, get mucky at the weekend’ and having the odd fat-laden burger fits perfectly with this philosophy.”

“Saying that, you probably won’t catch me in a McDonald’s these days, or rather, you wouldn’t recognise me in one. I dab on a darker moustache and wear a floppy felt hat when I sneak in at midnight for some cheeky McNuggets. I hate myself afterwards. Takes a week of nothing but green shakes to restore my mental equilibrium.”

“You’ve made my lunch go cold now.”

“Pass the barbecue sauce!”

 Hamburger photograph by Michael Stern (10000000041715_001080) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons
(We don’t think this is an actual McDonald’s hamburger but it has driven us mad with hunger.)

About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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