Meghan Markle’s Bridesmaids: Complete range of bottom sizes required. In order to conform to P.A.R.P. = 'Perfect Arse Realisation Plan'

Bride's arse

ESSENTIAL guidance for the big day from renowned wedding planner.

“It is vital that a bride is not upstaged on their big day,” explained top wedding planner, Dorcas Wang.

“A bride might imagine that their Maiden-of-Honour is on their side, but nothing could be further from the truth.”

“Brides often slim dramatically for the big day limiting themselves to a Victoria Beckham apple-cider-vinegar diet washing down bird-food sprinkled with Liquid Aminos.”

“They laugh when they see their bridesmaids gorging as usual on chocolate and pizza. However, the laugh is on the other side of their face when clingy silk fabric on the big day reveals the moon rising. The bridesmaids have all been down the gym religiously performing squats and dead-lifts turning delicious carbs into junk in their trunks.”

“Who is the congregation going to look at? A half-starved pale waif or bootylicious bridesmaids?”

“I always recommend that brides should select their bridesmaids based on the size and volume of their backsides.”

Miss Wang explained further: “When it comes to wedding bottoms: think P.A.R.P. and have a ‘Perfect Arse Realisation Strategy’.”

“The idea is to bracket a bride’s frame with a range of bottoms bigger and smaller than hers – so she looks just right.”

“Meghan has got a particular problem in that all her selected bottoms have got to look marvellous in ‘Hello’ magazine.’

“Personally, I would go for athletic, voluminous, and slim.”

“How about Serena Williams, Nicki Minaj and Cara Delevingne?”

“Who wouldn’t want to go to that wedding?”

“Of course, if Meghan is feeling brave she could risk another 2011 ‘Pippa-Gate.”

“We could actually have an epic US / UK ass-off.”

“To be crowned ‘Queen Booty’, Meghan should strategically invite Pippa Middleton at the very last minute.”

“I know who my money is on.”

“Pippa is 2 years younger but she’s safely married now so might have let up on the squats.”

“Her family sells industrial quantities of cup-cakes – just saying.”

Photo by Pixabay

 

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