ROYAL Navy’s new flagship, ‘Big Lizzie’, docks in Portsmouth after quick booze cruise to hypermarket.
Captain Herbert, a Commander in the Royal Navy, has revealed that the much delayed and over-budget aircraft carrier, HMS Queen Elizabeth, is being deployed to carry on trading ‘within the EU single market’ for at least the next 50 years.
“By the time we had fitted out the on-board cinema and gym we couldn’t actually afford any aircraft,” explained Captain Herbert. “So grocery transportation is obviously the next best use for this impressive vessel.”
“Technically, she weighs 65,000-tons,” explained Captain Herbert. “But, if a custom’s officer were to board her, they would find 30,000 tons of European cheese stowed below decks in cavernous aircraft hangers.”
“To disguise the rather pungent odour in our wake, we keep a small herd of goats on deck – allegedly for relieving humanitarian crises.”
“We obviously can’t be seen to be purchasing that much cheese in one go which is why we carry 700 crew. They each go ashore and slip a couple of Edams down their sailor pants and waddle back on-board with their loot.”
“It doesn’t stop with cheese!”
“We have built this behemoth with 3 ‘fuel tanks’. Cunningly, only one holds diesel. The others are for red wine and olive oil.”
“It’s a true testament to British ship building and design”.
“Why bother paying punitive import duties after Brexit – when you have a £3 billion new flagship that can nip over the channel for you at 25 knots?”
“Care for an olive?”