CHILDREN complain that she wields the TV remote control like a rod of iron. Sturgeon desperate to watch the brilliant Will.i.am on ‘The Voice’.
Nicola Sturgeon’s children, Andrew and Morag, have complained to ‘The Daily Squabble’ that, even though they fairly won the vote to choose their family’s Saturday night viewing, their mother is threatening yet another referendum.
“We had just finished our breakfast of porridge, neaps and tatties when she dropped this bombshell on us,” said Andrew. “We thought the matter had been settled in a perfectly democratic way.”
“She’s always doing this. We once voted to go to Rhodes on holiday. She wanted Majorca. She organised a second referendum and gave each one of our Highland Terriers (Donald, Campbell and Wee Jimmy) a vote. Or rather she voted for them, by proxy. She showed us the official forms they had signed with ‘their’ little, inky paw prints.”
Morag said: “I don’t know why she wanted to go to Majorca anyway. Because she’s ‘strawberry-blond’ she sizzles in the sun like a deep-frying mars bar. She ended up wearing a burkini.”
Andrew said: “I tried to explain to mum that we can’t watch ITV anymore. What if a journalist watched us through the window? As First Minister , she has to keep up appearances. But she always has an answer for everything. She said we could record it from Freeview and fast forward the adverts. No-one would know then. She found out that the ‘i’ in ITV stands for ‘independent’ and now she won’t stop raving on about it!”
‘The Daily Squabble’ called the Scottish Parliament to ask Mrs Sturgeon for a comment.
A Holyrood Spokesperson said: “The First Minister believes it is the will of the Scottish people that she should always select Saturday night TV viewing. Nothing has changed her mind and a second referendum is now highly likely, basically until she gets her way. She firmly believes that her family should follow a different, and in her view, better path.”
“We all agree that watching Gary Barlow on a Saturday night is unsustainable, untenable and frankly unacceptable.”
“I think this campaign could be ultimately successful even though two of the family’s dogs refuse to support her, as they like to howl along to ‘Let it shine.’ To ensure success she has brought the human equivalent voting age down to 14, which gives her two-year-old cat, Flora, the vote.”
“Let’s face it, she’s got a lot more chance with this one than keeping Scotland in the single market”.