‘No appointment without confessing your most intimate symptoms,’ say Doctors’ Receptionists New NHS screening policy

“Thank goodness I only had genital warts,” says patient.

Previously dour doctors’ receptionists are now regularly pissing themselves with laughter due to a new policy forcing prospective patients to confess their symptoms in front of packed waiting rooms.

“This is marvellous,” said Iris Cadwaladr, receptionist at Much Craplock’s GP’s surgery.

“My previous role was simply to defend the doctor from all incoming patients. I only allowed the most persistent ones to gain a precious appointment.”

“I modelled my demeanour on a grumpy rottweiler – only less welcoming.”

“These days, now that I effectively ‘triage’ patients despite no medical training – I am encouraging the whole village to visit.”

“I am meant to send the most trivial ones to the chemist but I let them all stay, swelling the audience to enjoy the freak show.”

“I sit quite far back from the reception desk so each patient has to yell their symptoms to me if they want an appointment. On overhearing this information, you can see all the other patients shifting seats to leave an appropriate amount of space depending on how contagious or intimately infected the newcomer is.”

“It’s all most entertaining.”

Gavin Rowlocks said: “I bucked the system. I never confessed about the virulent spot on my todger. I got past her by just coughing up my genital warts.”

Iris Cadwaladr said: “This saves an enormous amount of time.”

“I know which seats need the most disinfection at the end of the day.”

 

Photo of receptionists: U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Erin O’Shea

Modified by ‘The Daily Squabble’

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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