RADICAL change to farming practices could end global obesity crisis.
Silage Marner, a farmer from Much Craplock, has proudly unveiled an entire menagerie of miniature farm animals. They were commissioned by the government in a groundbreaking attempt to banish obesity.
Mr Marner bred his herds by selectively using sperm and eggs from progressively smaller parents in a £5 billion research project.
Mr Marner said: “Research shows that people consume significantly less when served smaller portions.”
“If smaller servings are this effective, it logically makes sense to only produce tiny amounts of food in the first place.”
“Not only will my miniature animals make us all slim, they are also environmentally friendly. They barely eat anything and my midget cows only produce a thimble-full of methane per day!”
“The only downside is that they can’t be ‘free-range’. We lost an entire herd of cows to wildlife- carried off by seagulls, swallowed by weasels, beaten up by field mice.”
“This whole project is genius,” said Professor Hardy Weinberg, from the Council of Science.
“Farm animals in the 1950s were much smaller than the genetically-modified monsters typically seen today. As cows became larger, the proportion of people diagnosed as overweight or clinically obese ballooned.”
We asked local resident, Gavin Rowlocks, for his opinion on miniature animals. Would he be happy to order a miniature turkey for Christmas?
“If they are that small,” said Mr Rowlocks, “I’m ordering five!”
“B*gger!” said Mr Marner.