Which film should really win ‘Best Picture’ at the Academy Awards?
“First of all, thanks for your support in not forcing me to see ‘La La Land’,” said Dudley Petard, Entertainment Consultant to ‘The Daily Squabble’s Editor: Mallet Mike.
“I appreciate you listening to my reasoning that all musicals are vile and one that involves jazz has got to be sheer diabolical torture. Even after years of therapy, I still haven’t got over the sense of utter, helpless despair that ‘Chicago’, ‘Moulin Rouge’ and ‘Les Mis’ instilled in me.
The only decent modern musical is ‘Grease’ but I am completely greased out now. If I hear ‘Totally devoted to you’, I am going to vomit.
Musicals are just an excuse for ego-crazed actors to show off in an even louder way.
In this article. I will go back to 2011 and review each year’s Academy Awards ‘Best Picture’. I will correct history by suggesting which alternative film should actually have won.
Usually the actual award goes to a dreary PC film – especially if it is about actors making a film or Broadway show. Narcissistic navel-gazing by the Hollywood academy. In contrast, I only recommend films that are fun!
2011: ‘The King’s Speech’
Colin Firth with a stutter. That’s all you need to know.
When it comes to stutters, I preferred Michael Palin in ‘A Fish called Wanda’.
Best film in 2011 was actually ‘Toy Story 3’. I also admire ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’.
It’s got Chevy Chase as a hot tub repair man. You can’t go wrong with that – class!
2012: The Artist’.
Boring silent film with a performing dog about actors making a film!
Best film in 2012 was clearly ‘Fast Five’. It’s got both ‘Vin Diesel’ and ‘The Rock’ in it. What more could you want?
Hasn’t this got Ben Afleck in it? Enough said. If you want to watch something about embassies and hostages watch ’24’ or ‘Homeland’
Best film in 2013: ‘Skyfall’. Best Bond of all time.
Who would have thought Daniel Craig would make such a brilliant film after the dreadful ‘Quantum of Solace’ which contains the worst chat-up line by James Bond of all time: ‘I can’t find the … um… the stationary.’ It’s not even a double entendre. There are all sorts of stationary-themed smutty suggestions he could have deployed: French letters, sharpies, rubbers etc.
2014: ’12 Years a Slave’
There is nothing enjoyable about this and Benedict Cumberbatch’s role makes no sense at all.
Best film in 2014: ‘Fast and Furious 6’. I also like ‘World War Z’ – the only film with Brad Pitt I have ever enjoyed. You can’t go wrong with fast-moving zombies!
I really couldn’t be arsed to see this. Typical Oscar winning film about the struggles of actors. I quite liked Michael Keaton in ‘Beetlejuice’ but life seems too short to watch ‘Birdman’.
Best film of 2015: ‘The Hobbit: The Battle of the 5 Armies’.
This has got a dwarf Billy Connolly riding a pig!
There is no way I am going to watch this. Sounds terrible.
Best film of 2016: ‘Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens’.
Brilliant – as opposed to ‘Rogue One’ which sent me and my wife to sleep.
2017: Probably going to be ‘La La Land’
If so, this will be the third year in a row that I cannot bear to watch ‘Best Picture’.
Maybe I am in the wrong profession.
Best film of 2017: ‘Grimsby’.
Humour so obscene you have to watch it through your fingers. Gleefully performed by a great cast.
I also liked ‘Captain Fantastic’. This surprisingly turned out not to be a super-hero movie. It concerned Aragorn from ‘The Lord of the Rings’ bringing up a troop of ninja hippy kids in the woods. Surprisingly enjoyable.
The only film I am looking forward to later this year is ‘Wonder Woman’ for obvious reasons.
Good luck ‘Grimsby’ at the Oscars !
Photograph by Prayitno [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons