SHOCK survey results reveal that punctual people, who are ‘waiting for you’, want more than your attendance.
The Daily Squabble carried out yet another survey of the residents of Much Craplock. We asked Stacey Gubbins, whether she made a habit of arriving on time to meetings. Stacey is renowned in the local area for being a warm, inviting and extremely accommodating person.
“No way,” she said. “I am never on time to meet my clients. I give them ten minutes private anticipation time on their own first. Much less wear and tear on my wrists then.”
“You wouldn’t be on time for a dinner invitation?” she added. “It would be the height of rudeness. Similarly, you should be fashionably late for all business engagements.”
Next, we asked Gavin Rowlocks, a self-confessed psychopath, the very same question.
“Actually, these days I am starting to self-identify myself as more of a sociopath than a psychopath,” he said. “Then, there’s less chance of the police searching my basement. If I was a psychopath, I could be charming and fake being interested in your crappy little survey. As a sociopath, I make it plain that I am not interested in helping anyone but myself.”
“But, if it helps you gain readers, I would love to take part as long as you come round to see me sometime… on your own.”
Mr Rowlocks said: “I can confirm that I am always on time for meetings. I am so obsessed with punctuality that I am often premature. I regard it as a mortal insult for someone to be late as this shows they regard their fellow delegates with complete contempt and severe disdain. That’s my job. Any late comers need to be re-programmed, with extreme prejudice, down in my basement.”
Dr Stacey Gubbins. from the League of Psychologists, said: “The Daily Squabble has hit the nail on the head with this one. Many of your fellow workers and all Chief Executives are psychopaths. They crave total control. If they combine an elevated status with a craze for punctuality, this indicates they are doubly dangerous. Be especially wary if your boss demands that you phone them with updates on your ETA, even if you are only going to be five minutes late. This was a trait shared by Hitler, Stalin and Attila the Hun.”
“Yes, I know there weren’t any telephones in Attila the Hun’s day – you probably had to send smoke signals, or a carrier pigeon way back then. Personally, I only do phone conferences these days and I am habitually late for them. I have to mute the line for the first few minutes while the kettle boils for tea.”
“Psychopaths lurk in every profession – especially mine. The last meeting I attended was in London. Five hours drive from Much Craplock down the motorway in the freezing fog, endless road works and I was five minutes late. I was actually five minutes early, entering into the building, only to find all the ladies toilets broken, with a massive queue for the disabled loos. If the other, more local delegates, had fixed the plumbing rather than sitting on their fat arses tut-tutting at the latecomers, I might actually have been on time.”
“When I eventually walked in – they all glared and looked like they did want to kill me. During the meeting, every time I wanted to say something, the Chairperson stopped me dead as they ‘had to get on’. It turns out they were all in a hurry to end this particular meeting so they could drive for 5 hours up to Much Craplock for a conference the next day. They ‘didn’t want to be late’! Never again!”
“It makes logical sense for psychopaths to always arrive early as they then have so much empty time on their hands for plotting total world domination. Then, because they invariably leave or cut short meetings early, paranoid that they might be late for the next one, they never pick up any actual work leaving plenty of time for their sinister extra-curricular hobbies.”
“Being on time for meetings has the same psychological origin as wanting to have a clean car. It all stems from inadequate potty training. As infants, punctual people were never able to poop to order when their parents wanted them to. Their parents started them on the potty too early or were too harsh with them when they didn’t promptly produce the goods. But now, as adults, they can do something on time and so they delight in it. They sit there, waiting for meetings to start, clenching and releasing their little sphincters repeatedly, nineteen to the dozen, wishing their mummy could see them now.”
“That’s why these psychos hate being late – it would be like disappointing their mother all over again. It’s a complete regression back to their childhood when they were all started on a compulsive path to hate mess, become exceptionally tidy and obsessively punctual. How could they bear to suffer such embarrassment and failure again? A punctual person with a clean car has a double helping of such issues and you should leave the country to avoid them.”
Gavin Rowlocks said, “As a sociopath, I never wash the outside of my car.Viewing a clean car might give others some pleasure. I religiously clean just the inside of the car as that gives me, personally, the most benefit. I find that lining the boot with a large blue sheet of plastic is the easiest way to keep it clean – no matter the mess. I like to burn this sheet on a regular basis, when it becomes too stained, to stop any meddlers forensically analysing it.”
Dr Doolally said: “This inadequate toilet training is all their parents’ fault. Children need to be rewarded with treats, for performing on the potty, not to be scolded. It’s exactly the same principle as house-training Daphne, my stupid miniature dachshund.”
“Punctual people delight in giving late-comers judgemental labels, like ‘inconsiderate’or ‘indifferent’, to disguise the actual fact that it is they who are completely indifferent as to whether you live or die.”
Daisy McNutt said: “I would like to be on time for meetings but something invariably happens to stop me. This morning I had to stop in a lay-by and phone 999 as it looked like a stray llama was going to cross the road. Other days, there may be a family of dormice nesting in my car engine, that I have to transport to the animal shelter, or a juvenile seagull that has fallen from a roof and I have to feed it herring.”
“On other occasions, I know full well what time I have to leave the house, to get to a meeting, but there is an incredible inertia tying me to the breakfast table, my shower or my bed.”
Gavin Rowlocks said: “If you pop around to see me. We can explore this inertia of yours much more thoroughly. It sounds quite fascinating and I may be able to assist you with it.”
“Don’t be late!”
“You wouldn’t like me if you’re late.”