Phil Neville’s Guide to choosing the Perfect Valentine’s Card

ROMANTIC GIFTS should always encompass sport, sexism and an ill-advised joke about domestic violence.

We asked Phil Neville, Head Coach of the England Women’s football team, to select Tesco’s most appropriate Valentine’s card.

“First of all, I couldn’t believe how busy Tesco was,” said Neville.

“What idiot thought of combining pancake day with the eve of St. Valentine’s day?”

“It was bedlam.”

“I didn’t know whether to grab a card, twelve roses or a Jiff lemon.”

“I had to elbow my way to the card stand past all the other would-be pancake tossers.”

“There weren’t that many good cards left but it would be hard to beat the one above.”

“It has everything I look for in a card or Twitter comment.”

“I would describe it as ‘politically correct’ as it contains no reference to sex. You can’t be too careful these days.”

“I, like all married men, hope – probably in vain – that a mass-produced card and few floppy supermarket roses will result in me getting some, but I wouldn’t want to be too up-front about it.”

“This card says ‘Valentine’s day’ but doesn’t harass.”

“I think I could get away with giving one to each and every member of my squad.”

“They would understand that it was really about table-tennis.”

“There’s only one possible way this card could be improved.”

“Surely, as it’s pancake day, we could have fitted in the word ‘batter’ somewhere?”

 

Valentine’s background by Pixabay

 

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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