Moped Crime Wave: Metropolitan Police hire new ‘staff’ to spray criminals

 

No final salary pension required for this copper!

FOLLOWING the unsurprising failure of its ‘non-pursuit’ policy, desperate police deploy fully-armed skunks on the capital’s streets.

Irritable skunks, whose foul emissions can link suspected moped riders to a crime scene are being tested by the Metropolitan Police.

Copious spray from the creatures’ anal scent glands would tag clothing or equipment with a unique, stinking chemical footprint.

PC Fanny Fuzz said: “As we aren’t allowed to pursue moped criminals, for fear of them falling off and grazing their precious knees, we were challenged to find a safe way of spraying criminals – so we can identify and apprehend them at our leisure.”

“We managed to persuade senior officers, that deploying packs of highly trained skunks throughout the capital was the safest way of achieving this strategic goal.”

“Suckers!”

“These skunks aren’t safe at all. They are incredibly grumpy if not regularly fed rodents and eggs and like to rush 15-year-old moped riders knocking them off their machines.”

“They then squat on the surprised youths’ spotty faces with pleasingly noxious results.”

“We will probably get complaints, but at the end of the day …  f**k them.”

“Fifteen-year-old moped riders don’t smell particularly nice in the first place.”

 

Photograph by Pixabay
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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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