Riot at Children’s Birthday Party after someone invited Auntie Kuenssberg

Laura Kuennsberg
Walk the Plank – Auntie Laura!

MOTHER unwisely asked guests if they wanted to say anything just before birthday candles blown out.

Surrey police were called to a large detached house in a sleepy, suburban village after a full-scale riot broke out at a seven-year-old’s birthday party.

Amelia Trumpette (birthday girl) said: “This always happens whenever mummy invites her rude sister, Auntie Laura. She has got too big for her boots after she became the agent provocateur for Brexit.”

“She can’t keep her out-dated Seventies liberal ideals to herself – even though they have been soundly rejected by vast swathes of the Free World”

“Yes, I know I am fantastically eloquent for a seven-year-old.”

Amelia’s Mother, Pippa Trumpette, said: “This was the very last time that I invite my sister to a family gathering. It’s not just the kids she interviews. At Christmas, she said my husband and I couldn’t have any vodka because it amounted to praising Russia.”

“This time, she stood there and asked whether I was going through with my new pregnancy because I was frightened of being punished and was it really acceptable not to allow terrorists into the party?”

“She caught me washing a teddy-bear in the washing machine, after someone had vomited chocolate on it, and said ‘she didn’t approve of water-boarding’. I snapped and said that the dog had turned the machine on, as I had delegated the decision to use enhanced interrogation techniques to him.”

“My sister than picked up a karaoke microphone and addressed the whole party. She accused us of having mistaken beliefs in Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, which many of her British viewers had rejected. She strongly implied that my husband and I would be considered unfit – again, by her precious viewers –  to become leaders of a larger family.”

“David just turned to me and said: “This was your choice of a guest? There goes our relationship.”

The birthday girl said: “Mummy and Daddy took hours to recover. After their grilling from Auntie Laura, they were pale and shell-shocked. They tottered out into the Rose Garden to recover, clutching each other’s hand.”

“I much preferred it when mummy’s nice Irish cousin, Orla Guerin, came to my last birthday. I don’t know why mummy calls Orla ‘The Angel of Death’. I think it’s because she devours Angel Slices so quickly. I don’t know how she stays so slim.”

“She gave me a wonderful present.”

“My very own flak jacket.”

“That will come in useful if we ever have to see Auntie Laura again.”
Laura Kuenssberg photograph by Policy Exchange (Flickr: Laura Kuenssberg and Rachel Reeves MP) [CC BY 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons
Children’s party photograph:
Both photographs modified and merged by ‘The Daily Squabble”.

About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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